Enter exsistential Mid-life crisis- a.k.a. The Hokey Pokey WAS right

I really think The Hokey Pokey had it right after all

( This is a long one folks  -  fair warning )

 

"You put your right hand in - you put your right hand out,

you put your right hand in and you shake it all about..........etc."

here comes the key line though........" and you turn yourself around"

That REALLY WAS/IS what it's all about!

Apparently Life is about, just going with it and when things don't go as expected,

learning to "turn yourself around" without fear and head in another direction.

_______________________

SHIT-no one sent me the freakin memo to pay attention to these song lyrics

Let me tell you.....I would have paid attention - very close attention.

Seriously I would have!

Partly because growing up being me did not lend itself to getting an overwhelming 

amount of opportunities to go to life events where this song was played

and partly because here I am, at nearly 40 yrs old ( only 31 more days-not that I'm counting)

still on the same path or life plan that I envisioned as a child.

You know the one......the plan where you:

.........misty clouds rolling in here for this flashback...... (go with it-puuuleaze) 

have an average, happy childhood, followed by reasonably tolerable high school years,

  go off and get a good college education, then get a great job as a result,

fall in love along the way,  and then marry that fantastic person,  

find the perfect time to start trying for at least two children ,

immediately fall pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy with a healthy child as a result,

followed by several years of child-rearing & repeating above pregnancy steps.

.......clouds start clearing out here..... 

 

It sounds like a great life path/plan - doesn't it?  I think so.

It's just that pretty much right from the start things didn't go that way for me.

NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I will spare you the long, drawn out, after-school special, melodramatic details 

but I will share with you some of the labels I had or have on my life path so far.

I got to be:  "the fat kid" or "the alternative kid" (I think it's called EMO these days)

I got to be the "troubled-suicidal girl" or the "periodically psych hospitalized girl"

I got to be "the best friend of the pretty girl" or the "let's just be friends" girl.

I got to be " the weird college roomie" followed shortly by "the college drop-out roomie"

I got to be "the confused sexuality" woman, and then the "I can change him" woman.

I got to be the "fiance that was left for another woman" - that was fun.....NOT!

I got to be "the fucked-up addict daughter/sister/aunt, etc"  and then the

 the "she's in recovery & doing so well" family member.

I believe "Trouble child" is somewhere in here too.

I got to be the "drift from job to job in discontent" worker followed by

the "oh shit - without a degree this is as far as I can go in this job" worker.

In my adulthood (whenever the hell that started)

I got the " misdiagnosed depressive who has A.D.D.and something the fuck else but 

they are just not quite sure what yet" patient

(bet my blathering makes more sense after knowing that)

and more recently I got the distinct privilege of adding

" barren, bitter, childless not by choice, grieving, infertile" woman who

can't get her shit together and is writing it on her blog......YEA!!!!

 The list goes well beyond this but I am sure by now I have already lost a few of you.

So I accumulated labels, my life progressed, & continued NOT to follow my expected path

Here is the kicker.....wait for it........wait for it.....

I apparently stayed the course and chose not or was unwilling to

"turn myself around" the whole time.

We are talking about 34 years of seeing/doing it one way and one way only.

The way my "child self" envisioned it - especially with the children situation.

Hmmmm - "turn myself around" when things don't go as expected

What a fucking concept!

I was always nothing if not stubborn and persistent.

**I do need to add one very important thing on that path that DID work out**

Albeit at a much later age (37 yrs old)  than I expected.- no surprise there

I met and married the most incredible, loving and caring man.

I am forever grateful and blessed to have my husband in my life.

Thanks to the universe for throwing me that bone.

So.....what in the world was this post about anyway?  

Oh yea......I remember now....that darn Hokey Pokey and all it's amazing wisdom.

I only have one question though.................

Can someone PLEASE tell me how -

If all you have EVER wanted your whole life - as long as you can remember

is to eventually have children and you are unable to after exploring all your options -

how do you possibly......

"turn yourself around?"

MOOD REPORT: