It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do

Yes - he is cute and yes he is mine

________________

Our unusually long commercial break was

sponsored by the following.......

Lam.ictal - the mood-stabilizer that's not only

up & down but puts the "ache" in just about everything

Insomnia - Just when you thought it was

safe to slip under the covers for a few zzzzz's

Insomnia, your all night buddy shows up to party.

Aunt Flo - Helping the depressed chocolate and

carbohydrate industries get back on their feet as well

as ensuring every husband knows the right answer to

the monthly question...."Honey, do you think I am getting fat?"

______

It's been quite the week and it's only last night

that I was finally able to get a solid nights sleep.

Thank you sleepytime Gods.

I have been attempting to work my way through 

a boat load of crap lately.

I felt like paddling as fast I could but going no where fast

.

That's when I stopped to look - look at this body of mine

It became quite clear once I chose to look.

My shame-lined, low self-worth grimy,

near empty fuel tank.wasn't getting me very far.

 Not to mention that my warning lights 

signaling significant loss of emotional balance were 

rapidly blinking bright red.

...ummmm DUH!

Why is it that a part of me still feels as if my

"mental health" is secondary to my "physical health"?

Why, after all this time, education, and 

advocacy do I still feel surprised  and ashamed to admit that I 

had a depressive relapse? 

Yep....that's right....a depressive relapse.

See...there ...I said it!

The neurotransmitters in"this old brain" decided

to take a vacation without telling me or their best

buddies - the anti-depressant posse.

This episode, relapse or whatever

the heck it is, just happened to coincide with a 

number of really shitty life events.

*See previous posts for the insanity*

So basically, life in Boo land got really

hairy there for awhile.

I guess that's just the way it is sometimes.

You don't get to pick and choose the timing.

Life just happens.

So I have a little bit of my footing

back due to some much needed med changes, 

a lot of therapy and most importantly, 

an incredible support system. 

(you know who you are - THANK YOU)

Still have a tremendous amount of work to do

but trying to refuel a bit before I go there.

I know that I am a bit wobbly and fragile at the moment.

I also know that time has shown me that with the right tools, 

help and positive fuel,  I will be okay

I hope for that - I really do.

Will keep you posted 

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support.

MY CRAYON COLOR:

RAW SIENNA

Emotional.....and that's okay.

There will be no witty, positive or upbeat

 writing today - don't have it in me.

Just completely and utterly done

at the moment.

Not to mention really and truly pissed!

It's probably more a combination of pissed,

angry, frustrated, disgusted and 

basically.......

"Are you fucking kidding me Universe?"

I am so sick and tired of just ONE MORE THING

Finally have the transmission fixed on the truck

This is good

Our car's exhaust starts immediately having issues

This is bad

We have the truck back, so the car can get checked out

This is good

Hubby starts having issues with new tranny on way to work

This bad

Car's exhaust definitely has problem- dropped off at mechanic

This is bad

Hubby advised to bring truck back to mechanic as 

replaced tranny is probably no good

This is really bad

Current work transportation issue is uncertain for both of us

 This is really bad

_____________

I want a break!

I want to have day-to-day boring

I want to go more than a week or month without 

something or someone falling apart.

I want things that get fixed to stay fixed and work.

And you know what?

(Big surprise here)

Underneath it all, I am full of emotional turmoil

that has little to do with cars.

-------------------------

I got the go ahead to start birth control to help

level out my hormones and ease the PMDD.

It would be an adjunct to the shrinky dink meds

and would hopefully make things work even better

It's something I talked to doc about quite awhile ago.

She actually gave me the samples which have been

sitting in the fridge for about 5 months now.

She said that whenever my meds were adjusted

and mostly importantly 

-whenever I was ready 

to just go ahead and start.

This is my month.

I know in my mind that there is absolutely no

downside to starting and most probably much benefit.

I know that it's a necessary step for my overall greater health

I know that nothing has changed in the "child" dept decision.

I also know it's another step in my coming to terms journey

living childless not by choice.

Oh......but theres that stupid gap...you know the one?

The gap that forms when your head is telling you one

very logical, reasonable thing and your heart 

just doesn't feel it.

That gap is there - big time

So ...um yeah....this is hard & it hurts.

Rational or not - this just hurts.

And yes - 

I am still pissed, angry,frustrated and disgusted too.

MOOD REPORT:

My Crayola crayon 64 box or life lessons in art class

 

Long and involved story ahead

READ AT THE RISK OF FALLING ASLEEP!

______________

I was thinking about my school years the other day.

I remember how much excitement came with

getting my brand new school supplies each year.

There was, however something in those supplies that 

I always seemed to look forward to, just a bit more 

than all the others......

It was the

64 pack of Crayola crayons.

I know .....right?

 

It was OH so beautiful.....that crisp shiny box.

The bright display of crayons on the front, 

including any new colors for that year.

Oh...and the joy of turning the box around just

to make sure that the crayon sharpener

was really still there (and it always was)

I loved the feeling I got when I would finally 

break down and open my box.

These brand new untouched crayons would stand there before me.

All of this fantastical array of color just sitting there

Waiting for me. 

The potential that my box of crayons had

seemed absolutely limitless.

Oh the choices!

 All I had to do was pick one single crayon,

and start coloring.

I could color and create something usual.

I could color and create something unexpected.

I could color and create something beautiful.

I could even color and create something very ugly

I could create anything I wanted with that box of crayons.

It was really was so simple

And eventually I would open that new box of crayons.

I would use those crayons in earnest with all my creations.

Coloring what I felt to be masterpieces at the time.

Then something would happen - the year would move 

forward and my box would begin to slowly change.

Some of the crayons I would use & sharpen

so often, that there was little left.

Some of the crayons, I never took out of the box.

Some of the crayons, were in pieces barely

able to be taken out of the box at all.

Every year the breakdown  was different,

but I always ended up with the same thing......

A torn, haggard box that was barely holding together.

A box that when I opened it, always appeared so

worn and used up

It was always around that time, I remember thinking a few things:

 

I remember thinking my haggard old crayon box was still special

 I knew that it helped me create, what I am sure I believed to be

 incredible works of art.

I knew that each time I chose a crayon,  it was with

much intent and great expectation.

I knew that sometimes the crayons I did end up choosing,

just did not work out.

I knew I would always get a chance to start again, and star over

with next years box.

_____________

Although I am not sure these are analogies.(crap - just realized that)

I do believe there is much wisdom in those boxes.

That even though I am currently worn, haggard and feeling completely

used up,  that the journey getting here created 

some incredible things along the way.

That although I'm a bit broken and feeling in general disarray, 

I am still me after all.....(lots of good stuff inside)

 That as long as I am willing to do the work and want to,

I can always start over at any time and create a new path.

So I guess all I need now is a new box of crayons....

Whadda ya think?

MOOD REPORT: 

(crayon color)