Just a simple post with many wishes

Although I know she won't read this, I needed to write it anyway.

To my special friend,

I am so very sorry for your profound loss - just utterly and deeply sorry.

Those words seem so insignificant -cliche and yet, I really do mean them.

I so wish in my heart that things had not turned out the way they did.

I so wish that I could have done or said something along the way to 

possibly help alter the outcome.

I so wish I could have been the friend who you needed to call,

when you were given the options

I so wish I could have been the friend who you needed to call

when the worst possible decision had to be made.

I so wish I could take away your pain, sadness, anger.

I so wish that after it all, you knew you could have depended on 

me for support without my emotions getting in the way or making it worse.

I so wish I had the right words....I so wish I were stronger.

And yet right now it seems, I can't,  I don't......and I am not.

I hope you received and continue to receive all that you need and more to sustain you.

I hope all your wonderful friends & family surround you with love & strength.

I may not be there right at the moment....I may not be there right away

 but I do assure you that eventually, in time I will be there - I will.

In the meantime...........

I just wanted you to know how much I really do care.

_________

***To all my blog readers***

I am respecting anonymity for this friend due to the nature of her loss.

Please forgive the cryptic nature in some of the writing.

Also , I know she would love any added well wishes

so please feel free to comment.

If you do know who this post is written about, I do ask

that you also respect her privacy and anonymity as well.

Thank you

Come out come out whoever you are OR my empty closet

My closet is empty at the moment.

 And by closet I mean me- but I'm sure as wise

 as you all are,  that you already picked that up.

I know that I promised some great updates after

my last post - and truly all my intentions were to follow 

through on that, however things just didn't pan out 

that way.

Let me try and give you an idea what happened to all 

of the emotional crap that came tumbling out of my

so called "psyche closet" earlier this week.

For the moment it's all bagged and boxed up with some

temporary shitty -ass labels because I didn't have time for the good ones.

It is neatly- oh so very neatly

(because God forbid things looked messy)

  stacked up along my periphery.

All thanks to my work life and current job atmosphere

(just in case my subtlety was lost on you there)

 Not by choice at I assure you - but your job has a 

 way of doing that to you sometimes.

 (and by sometimes, I mean every fucking moment)

(no really - every fucking work moment from 7:45am-5pm)

Gotta love work sometimes

resentful much?

 But I digress.....

____________

So I am left looking at all my shit just sitting there and 

and then inwardly feeling just empty.

 

It's an Emptiness on a few levels.

Empty of emotion at the moment (probably the meds)

Empty of the things that once (long ago) gave me happiness

Empty of who I am and for that matter who I was

Empty of the direction I should take on this life journey

But right now - at this moment

I am feeling the most of THIS kind of empty

The childless, barren infertile kind of empty

None of these in my closet.

______________________

 

 

MOOD REPORT:

My cup overfloweth; A,K,A,- Who opened my psyche closet door?

Did I happen to mention my emotional

closet being a bit overfilled? 

Well shrinky dink kicked in my psyche's door and

superwoman started making me go through it.

Been an arduous few days to say the least and the best part?

I wanted to do this..........um yeah......wh wh wh WTF?

An aside - after pulling out of superwoman's parking lot

yesterday,  I proceeded to get my first speeding ticket - EVER!

Yep - was allegedly......and I do mean allegedly doing

41mph in a 25mph zone.

Gotta love that extra 1mph putting me into the higher

fee bracket. 

Wish I had more time this A.M. to do a real post but 

wanted to touch base for now.

Promise to come back later for more juicy and insane details.

MOOD REPORT:

Rorschach's inkblots WERE all kittens & puppies....I knew it!

Went to see the shrinky dink again.

Get to play the medication mambo to see if we can 

finally find the right combo to get me a bit more functional .

Definitely had a better feeling coming out of this session.

I think we might have stumbled on to the right path

I truly hope and pray so.

I was really proud of myself today.

I got brave and decided to try taking a look back 

A look back to and at all that is - ME

I brought it up by the way - all by my big girl self!

It's scary to go there with the history I have

It's also frustrating to go there again when you 

think you already dealt with the issues

Issues you thought that had been put away in your proverbial 

mental closet for good.

It really sucks ass when that mental closet door comes

flying open and EVERYTHING falls out at once.

You just stand there looking at it all incredulously 

thinking to yourself - "SHIT - did that really just happen?"

And WTF? - why now?

Then you remember the whole childless not by choice thing

It becomes pretty damn clear why you are falling apart now

Falling apart in grieving the loss of the child you will never know

and in the same breath grieving the screwed up child you were.

I know I sound all new-age, inner-child, you're okay-I'm okay 

here but for the sake of keeping some anonymity, it's all 

I'm willing to say in this type of public forum.

Let's just say that for the first time in a long time,  

I was open to really hearing what was being said

and suggested to me. - TRULY.

It's too soon for me to say I am cautiously optimistic but

I will say I might have the teeny tiniest seed of hope for today.

We shall see what tomorrow brings

God - I hope this new med helps with the sleep!!!!!

________

P.S. thanks to the followers who I have gotten on this new blog

there may only be a few as of now but I appreciate you all!

MOOD REPORT:

2 parts this + 1 part that - A,K.A. - Gotta Love Antihistamines

It's amazing really

The recipe to get some sleep

Every person has his or her own unique formula

Some people exercise, or drink warm milk

Others do relaxation or use warm blankets

For me however - desperation and utter exhaustion

bring out my inner chemist/ pharmacist 

Here was last nights semi-successful recipe:

1. One part extra PRN calm-me-down pill

2. Two parts well known Antihistamine pills - 50mg

3. One part PRN Pain med pill

(just to clarify one thing - all meds were taken AS prescribed)

Don't want anyone to think I was just popping pills!

The combo wasn't totally perfect but it did allow me to

catch up somewhat - thank goodness the weekend is

nearly upon us and I can try to work on catching up on

the rest of my sleep.  

Can I get a Hallelujah?  Can I get an Amen?

AMEN!!! 

Yesterday's fatigue-related work day was less than stellar.

Off to work today to see if a half night's sleep will allow

for some actual productivity.

MOOD REPORT:

Here Sleepy Sleep - A.K.A. - who am I again?

Oh sleep, wherefore art thou sleep?

I so have missed you in your quiet, soft warmth

Lulling me gently away from all the days woes

Into my land of soft cuddly bunnies, and fairy princesses.....wait a minute

W T F?

Oh Shit - wrong person's dream again -

Barging into someone else's dream - so not cool 

Must have ended up there while trying to catch a few zzzzzz's

This insomnia/restlessness crap sucks

The whole changing meds things is screwing with everything that is me

YEA!!!!

No sleep is for the birds

What the heck does that mean anyway - it's for the birds?

I never did quite understand that saying......

And before some smartass out there decides to send me an answer....

Keep in mind I am sleep-deprived and medicationally challenged

You DON.T want to go there  -  Trust

I had such great intentions of writing about some 

stellar insight that followed my last post BUT then sleep bailed on me

That stupid bitch!

Will try and catch ya'll with the uber-epiphany post next time

PROMISE - Girl Scout's Honor (yes-Virginia, I too was a girl scout)

MOOD REPORT:

Enter exsistential Mid-life crisis- a.k.a. The Hokey Pokey WAS right

I really think The Hokey Pokey had it right after all

( This is a long one folks  -  fair warning )

 

"You put your right hand in - you put your right hand out,

you put your right hand in and you shake it all about..........etc."

here comes the key line though........" and you turn yourself around"

That REALLY WAS/IS what it's all about!

Apparently Life is about, just going with it and when things don't go as expected,

learning to "turn yourself around" without fear and head in another direction.

_______________________

SHIT-no one sent me the freakin memo to pay attention to these song lyrics

Let me tell you.....I would have paid attention - very close attention.

Seriously I would have!

Partly because growing up being me did not lend itself to getting an overwhelming 

amount of opportunities to go to life events where this song was played

and partly because here I am, at nearly 40 yrs old ( only 31 more days-not that I'm counting)

still on the same path or life plan that I envisioned as a child.

You know the one......the plan where you:

.........misty clouds rolling in here for this flashback...... (go with it-puuuleaze) 

have an average, happy childhood, followed by reasonably tolerable high school years,

  go off and get a good college education, then get a great job as a result,

fall in love along the way,  and then marry that fantastic person,  

find the perfect time to start trying for at least two children ,

immediately fall pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy with a healthy child as a result,

followed by several years of child-rearing & repeating above pregnancy steps.

.......clouds start clearing out here..... 

 

It sounds like a great life path/plan - doesn't it?  I think so.

It's just that pretty much right from the start things didn't go that way for me.

NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I will spare you the long, drawn out, after-school special, melodramatic details 

but I will share with you some of the labels I had or have on my life path so far.

I got to be:  "the fat kid" or "the alternative kid" (I think it's called EMO these days)

I got to be the "troubled-suicidal girl" or the "periodically psych hospitalized girl"

I got to be "the best friend of the pretty girl" or the "let's just be friends" girl.

I got to be " the weird college roomie" followed shortly by "the college drop-out roomie"

I got to be "the confused sexuality" woman, and then the "I can change him" woman.

I got to be the "fiance that was left for another woman" - that was fun.....NOT!

I got to be "the fucked-up addict daughter/sister/aunt, etc"  and then the

 the "she's in recovery & doing so well" family member.

I believe "Trouble child" is somewhere in here too.

I got to be the "drift from job to job in discontent" worker followed by

the "oh shit - without a degree this is as far as I can go in this job" worker.

In my adulthood (whenever the hell that started)

I got the " misdiagnosed depressive who has A.D.D.and something the fuck else but 

they are just not quite sure what yet" patient

(bet my blathering makes more sense after knowing that)

and more recently I got the distinct privilege of adding

" barren, bitter, childless not by choice, grieving, infertile" woman who

can't get her shit together and is writing it on her blog......YEA!!!!

 The list goes well beyond this but I am sure by now I have already lost a few of you.

So I accumulated labels, my life progressed, & continued NOT to follow my expected path

Here is the kicker.....wait for it........wait for it.....

I apparently stayed the course and chose not or was unwilling to

"turn myself around" the whole time.

We are talking about 34 years of seeing/doing it one way and one way only.

The way my "child self" envisioned it - especially with the children situation.

Hmmmm - "turn myself around" when things don't go as expected

What a fucking concept!

I was always nothing if not stubborn and persistent.

**I do need to add one very important thing on that path that DID work out**

Albeit at a much later age (37 yrs old)  than I expected.- no surprise there

I met and married the most incredible, loving and caring man.

I am forever grateful and blessed to have my husband in my life.

Thanks to the universe for throwing me that bone.

So.....what in the world was this post about anyway?  

Oh yea......I remember now....that darn Hokey Pokey and all it's amazing wisdom.

I only have one question though.................

Can someone PLEASE tell me how -

If all you have EVER wanted your whole life - as long as you can remember

is to eventually have children and you are unable to after exploring all your options -

how do you possibly......

"turn yourself around?"

MOOD REPORT:  

 

Holy shit and just a bit less suck-ti-tude

Not much to say today other than

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SHITTY SHIT SHIT SHIT

 work sucked ass totally for me and just to be clear - it really had nothing to do with anyone there.

It is your basic combination of leftover menstrual hormones run amok, coupled with what seems like a never-ending process of trying to find the right drug combo to treat my life-long depression (which by the way is totally screwing with my memory and basic work functioning skills),  in addition to my continuing struggles in dealing with the loss and grief in living childless

 _____

Lots of baby talk going on in the office as my favorite co-worker is now 5 months pregnant.

I am actually really and truly excited for her - it just stings a bit now and then.

Oh and Did I mention that today another co-worker casually mentioned her sudden aversion to coffee which she has been told could possibly mean she might be preggers?

Yep - that too.

I care about these people but God dammit it's hard sometimes!!!

Can I get a fucking break here?  

Nothing like a bit of bloggy sunhine to brighten up your day.

(just to clarify....that was sarcasm - didn't want anyone to fall behind)

Oh well - tomorrow is another day- maybe it will be a good one

Probably not.

I guess I will aim for a day filled with a bit less suck-ti-tude.

Yep - thats my baby step for the day. 

MOOD REPORT:

Honesty is a bitch or starting over......

Well folks - I guess I am back - for good or bad -  back to the world of the blogoshere.

Back to putting down my innermost babble and sharing it in a public forum. 

Some of you might have followed me at my old blog - The Infertile Sushi-loving Princess

If you did follow that blog - you will find this blog to be a wee tad different.

And when I say a wee tad different - I mean.......Oh hell just read and figure it out for yourself.  

Just a heads up and fair warning though that the content contained within may be:

   highly inappropriate, 10 steps over that ever elusive socially acceptable "line", rambling emoto-drama written in hormone induced hysterics and/or screwed up non-sense that only I find funny.

 I do promise it to be painfully honest which for me is the whole basis of coming back here.

Coming back to writing - and writing my truth - writing it on MY blog

What a fucking glorious concept!

Join me why don't you.....or don't - it's up to you.

Either way welcome!

___________________________

MOOD REPORT:

Begin with the ending.......

                                                          "Remember us?" 

The Infertile Sushi-loving Princess.....

Years of trying and a boat-load of tests later,  it was found that we would not be able to conceive on our own.  We then pursued as much infertility medical intervention as our finances would allow only to end up unsuccessful and still childless.   We also looked into adoption possibilities along the way on our journey.  We were disheartened to learn that adoption for us would be just as much if not more expensive than the infertility treatments we could not afford, therefore ruling it out as well.  And so there we were .......

2011 arrived and brought with it an ironic new beginning and ending all in one.

2011 began with all the promises a new year brings and yet at the same time it brought the ending of our family building journey.

It began with a bittersweet midnight kiss shared by a couple finally realizing their love for one another would have to enough in the end .  

It began with little fanfare or celebration.

It began with the silence of two loving people holding one another at midnight, while the realization of living childlessness kicked in.

It began with us knowing that in our ending, we would have to change our lifelong dream in the hopes of being able to move forward - together.

It began with knowing that our change would bring grief -  a quiet, hidden, intangible grief.

It began with allowing ourselves to grieve this ending -

learning how to grieve something we only dreamed of, learning how to grieve the loss of what our lives would have been like, learning how to grieve our childlessness.

It began with our ending. 

This is where we are right now.....it's a tough,shitty, painful place to be.

Here's to hoping that whatever is on the other side of this grief, hurt and ending is
FUCKING FANTASTIC!

_____________

MOOD REPORT: