Wednesday wishes of a sweet & happy new year- okay, let me explain.....

To all my Jewish friends, Family and acquaintances:

L'Shanah Tova (0r Happy New Year)

(To all my non-Jewish friends who would like to participate- feel free if the mood strikes!)

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Tonight happens to be the start of the

 Jewish New Year -Rosh Hashanah

 

One of the traditions that Jewish families around the world will participate in today and tomorrow will be the dipping of apple slices into honey

 

 This tradition is meant to ensure that those who participate in sharing the apples & honey on this holiday, will be blessed with a sweet, happy & healthy upcoming year.

Its something that is meant to be shared with those around you that are special and whom you love.

 

I really happen to love doing this each year because, for me, its a reminder of new possibilities, hope, & sweetness in the most simple of actions.

 

It is something that is perfect in its timing this year for me because as things stand in my life right now, (physically, emotional, & spiritually) I know I really needed a positive reminder that circumstances CAN change.

They can not only change from year to year but day to day and moment to moment.

 

In trying to keep the whole of myself, more in the" sweets moments"  -it has taken much practice.

  I have had to work on finding things that bring me to those places of purpose, hope and sweetness.
 

Today I shared one of those moments with my non-Jewish hubby on the phone-

Long story short, he used a Yiddish term (shpilkes) appropriately and perfectly while discussing a friend. It stopped me in my tracks as we talked and I burst out into some full-on belly laughter.

It reminded me that not a day goes by without my hubby making me laugh - and as such, I realized no matter how physically or emotionally sick I am, I will always have laughter in my life.

It was a really "sweet moment"
 

Yesterday I shared an afternoon full of "sweets moments" with mom-just having an "all-out girl day" .
We spent the afternoon together- had lunch, went shopping and I even had my

September (Grape Jamboree) Hair done

As my autoimmune issues have gotten worse over the last 2 years, even spending a day doing these kinds of things , has become increasingly harder and highly energy depleting.
Being able to take advantage of one of my better days in order to do this with Mom was so special.
It reminded me that I may just have to look a little harder to find those 
"sweets moments" and take advantage of them when they are here.

I would also like to thank RA GUY (love his blog - seriously go read his stuff)
for his simple yet wonderful post I saw on his Facebook feed.
 It reminded me that the power of music in and of itself, brings its own sweetness in the most unexpected times and most beautiful ways.

This is Rob Thomas singing the acoustic version of "Her Diamonds" which,
 he wrote for his wife, Marisol Maldonado Thomas.
She suffers from a rare Lupus-like autoimmune disease.
Definitely Sweet!

Monday is as good a place to start as any.....

Hi all:

 

I finally decided to relax a bit & put off tweaking the blog design for a bit 

(Oh how the OCD part of me is pissed)

in order give me some time to actually start posting to the darn thing.

 

Funny how one day I am chock full of great blog posts: things with great insight, purpose, and importance. The next day rolls around & my worn-out, A.D.D. mind kicks in, & life takes over.

 By the time I get back to writing blog posts - it seems all the good stuff has hidden itself away in the recesses of my mind.

Shit - I really hate how that happens.

HOWEVER:

 

I at least made myself come back here to just post - whatever/however it comes out.

I am here - that is something.

 

Its also something that I can actually type on my keyboard as the swelling in my hands is a lot better.

 I would like to send a shout out to the "Keeping JB's body moving" RA Sponsors :

My Silver Sponsor: PLAQUENIL & ARAVA pills - you may be quiet but you are always there.

To my Gold Sponsor- Dr. Smiley for a great appt. this month and increasing meds where needed.

Final special thanks goes out to  my PLATINUM sponsor - REMICADE.

Your monthly infusion has made it possible for me to get back to some of the things I enjoy most.

 

So in keeping with my last post -

 I decided to try & begin with some of those "INVISIBLE" things I mentioned.
Feeling like I needed to get some stuff out into the blogosphere.

 

Today I am going back to the thing that first brought me to the blogosphere almost 7 years ago:

The Fertility/Infertility issue.

 

I mean after all, its where I started my blogging journey.

The Fertility journey began with a start full of hope, excitement, love, joy, and faith.

The journey that in the beginning, was Visible- Visible in all things, comfortable to discuss.

Then suddenly -and I am not exactly sure when or where this happened - things changed.
 

My journey went from Fertility to Infertility in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

My journey detoured it way into days/years filled with anxiety, uncertainty, disappointments, struggles, loss & finally complicated grief. The journey became quieter and more private-embarrassing at times and finally found its way into that INVISIBLE place.

A place that already existed inside me; though I may not have realized it then.

A place that already had its fair share of things tucked away.

Any yet - here I sit in front of my keyboard,  nearly 4 years later, taking that all important leap of faith, and writing about it again.

I decided to write about THIS from its' INVISIBLE place now for a few important reasons.

1. It is where I started my blogging journey

2. It is something that despite the passing of time, is still a part of me daily

3. It is something that despite time past, creeps into my thoughts this time of year like clockwork

4. It is something that quietly brings all sorts of emotions bubbling to the surface

5. It is something that nearly everyone in my life -my family, my friends, my acquaintances, anyone around me tends to eventually forget, or not think about.

Something they (without ever realizing they are doing it) help keep INVISIBLE.

 

Here are some things I would like to shed some light on & put out there.

 I hope if you are reading, you will keep this in mind, decide to make it visible and pass it on :

Remember that:

(On the clinical side of things)

• Infertility - what it is and is not
• CDC FAST FACTS - A staggering number of people struggle with Infertility daily
• Things not say to someone living Childless not by choice (written by a great blog friend)

(On the personal side of things)

• No matter the length of time past- (8 years for us)
• No matter the medical recommendations against getting pregnant-
• No matter the amount of counseling, therapy and support sought
• No matter making the choice for my health, to undergo radiation to my ovaries in 2012

 For me - there will always be obvious times/days that are harder than others:

 

•  Mothers Day or Fathers Day, pregnancy announcements & baby showers, major life events/celebrations such as graduations, birthdays or holidays
• There are also the quieter, understated moments of sadness that happen now and then- Back to school time, First days of school, watching family & friends children grow and participate in all things.

And then there are the perhaps the most difficult and insidious times of all-

They happen at the most unexpected moments, & in ways I never seem to be able to anticipate-

 

Those are the moments that bubble up and overflow from that invisible place inside me and make their presence known- VISIBLE simply because they are ALWAYS there.

It seems at this moment, the childlessness is the thing that has come to the surface

 It is most certainly the heaviest on my heart.

So today, I give it light- I choose to make it Visible!

 

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I know this has been a long and somewhat scattered post.

 I really appreciate if you are still reading.

I hope to be back soon with a post of another color- something needs some light of it own.

"Hiatus Halted" - taking off the cloak of invisibility

Hi Everyone - I'm Back

It was extremely hard to get myself to come back to this blog - just where I left off.

All of the memories and emotions - both good & bad. 

I toyed with the idea of designing a new blog but was met with such difficulties in trying to start from scratch on Blogger that I realized the Blogger Gods/Goddesses had spoken.

So back to this blog - back for good reason - It's simply time.

Its time for me to write again - write for ME. 

Writing because in my heart I know I have so much to say.

Writing because what I have to say is important, special, silly, crazy, beautiful, real. 

Writing because my words share where I have been, & where I am currently.

 Most importantly though, I write because it is a PART OF ME.

I think its the INVISIBLE part - the part that wants desperately to be brought to light.

All the feelings, thoughts, emotions, ideas & craziness that gets tucked away - hidden from the light.

Invisible for reasons that truly make no sense to me

.

Invisible because they are so often uncomfortable or embarrassing to talk about.

Invisible because that's more socially acceptable after all.

Invisible because as life moves on, its easier to tuck it all away & instead put a smile on your face

Invisible because it takes great courage and just the very right moment to bring it all to light. 

---

And so with every ounce of courage I have to muster, in this one moment, this very special second - INVISIBLE ME - I am taking a deep breath & turning on the light!

I am digging out each uncomfortable, hard-to-talk-about, awkward, crazy, silly, idea, feeling and experience that has been tucked away

 and giving them each their own beautiful spotlight.

It will certainly take some time to write about INVISIBLE ME

 and most definitely my ongoing belief in this part of myself.......

It deserves this space, deserves this light, deserves to be seen.

 It Deserves & Needs to be VISIBLE-at all times!

VISIBLE

Not just when wearing support ribbons of any color 

Not just during local fundraising walks or during monthly awareness events

Not just when we lose someone close or someone we all knew

Not just when social media shares some of its space for a fleeting moment

 Not just when its convenient or easy

Visible when it is important - and the thing is,

Its ALWAYS important

ALWAYS