Monday, November 3, 2014

Chronic Pain management, scheduled drugs, & quality of life ....OH MY!!

Yep - I'm going there. It's time!

It's honesty time-
I want to share about something that I went through in the last few weeks.
IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO ME
(This is a LONG ONE FOLKS-it took me about a week to write this as a result)


Here is a descriptive run-down of how I felt during this episode: : miserable, discouraged, overwhelmed, desperate, horribly filled with pain, suffering & sadly, true hopelessness.

For clarification sake, I will try to write about what the last few weeks encompassed
As I stated in my last post, as the weather started to change, my RD (Rheumatoid Disease) and A.I.S. (autoimmune shit) started to complain and rebel so I instinctively started bracing the body & mind for the upcoming changes. 

 What I didn't mention was that in addition to bracing myself, I had tried to deny, avoid and wish away the ever increasing symptoms flare I was having (for the last month) 
After much internal bitching,moaning, & general arguing with myself, I relented with an honest talk to my Rheum doc (Dr. Smiley), & Rheum doc's Physician Assistant.
 (Incidentally, I call her Kick-ass P.A- She is really amazing)

Since my current infusion dosing schedule had found its way to monthly visits already, this meant that my options were becoming a bit more limited. 

The game plan that Dr. Smiley, Kick-ass P.A., and I came up with was as follows:
 The Rheum's increased my biologic med (Remicade) dosage for a few months to see where that landed me. They referred me back to my pain management doc for a re-evaluation of my pain mgmt. meds.  I was also forced encouraged to see a podiatrist due to the new sudden onset of uninvited foot/ankle pain, swelling and redness.
(Like the shoulders, hands/fingers, and knees weren't enough-SHIT)

So moving ahead -I had the first of the increased Remicade dosage Infusions. In the meantime, like a good patient, I also made the other two appts. I decided to schedule both appts. after I had the second month of the new Remicade dosage thinking that all some of the newer symptoms would have gotten better. 


Now generally, the first week after I get my infusion is usually when I am at my overall best (my honeymoon week).
This last infusion, this was NOT the case - I found myself heading uncontrollably down a really steep slope and ending up right smack in the middle of FLARE TOWN, USA.

Not my destination of choice!!!
 
At the end of that week, I was miserable enough &  sucked it up again to call Kick-Ass P.A.
Kick-Ass P.A. with her incredible wisdom & charm, highly recommended a good solid course of my archenemy- 
The Triple P Threat-"Pretentious Private Prednisone"
Needless to say, I talked her into we ended up settling on Triple P's, close but much more reasonable nephew: Merciful Major MedroL dose pak 

I had a few days on Major Medrol, when I was scheduled to see my pain management doc.

(This is where the plot thickens)
***HEADS UP-CONTROVERSIAL DISCUSSION AHEAD***

 Knowing that I was overdue to discuss the state of my current pain medications with the pain doc, I made sure to have all my ducks in a row for the appt.  I had a review of where things were with my A.I.S. treatment, my recent labs, films etc., and a review of what I was currently on/how long/how much, etc.

Let me say, that I find discussing my pain meds with the doc at best, slightly uncomfortable and at worst, highly anxiety producing and worrisome

This is largely due to the fact that, (due to medical circumstances outside of my control) I have been on long term opioid therapy for about 2.5 yrs with good pain control.
 Having said that, I feel the need to follow that up by also telling you that: 
I have been on the same medication at the same dosage for that entire 2.5 yrs.
The exceptions to that have been the times I passed a kidney stone-OUCH & a couple minor outpatient surgeries that required the prescribed short-term post-surgical pain meds.

 In my appt. with pain doc, I discussed all my latest info, and brought him up to date with my current medical problems and status.  I felt it was an appropriate time to discuss a possible slight increase in my daily medication patch as the dose that I was on, was not currently helping as much as it had been, which was negatively impacting my activities of daily living. 
I explained my concerns and asked pain doc about a possible slight med increase.

Pain doc explained to me that he felt I had developed "tolerance" to the medication and as such, increasing it would not in his opinion be the right course of treatment. He stated that increasing it would only help for a very short period of time which would quickly be followed by an "increased tolerance" to that med. and I would be in the same situation again.
He suggested that it was time switch my medication to another opiate to break the "tolerance" cycle.  

Having my nursing background and also being a long time patient, has given me the opportunity to learn, and research about all the medications I am on.
As such, I was quite familiar with "the tolerance" situation that happens with many meds that pain doc discussed. I trusted that he was correct in his assessment and when he suggested switching me to a different long acting oral medication, I agreed.

I did question him about the prescribed starting dosage of the new med because it seemed to me that dosage he started me on, was lower than I would have expected. He assured me that the amount he was prescribing would be adequate. I took his word for this.

After I turned in my meds & pain doc's nurse removed the current pain patch I was wearing, the new script was written and given to me. Following this appt., I went directly to my designated pharmacy and filled the new prescription.

I started on the new med, taking it twice a day - that 1st dose being Monday morning.
Monday Am & PM go by and my pain is still pretty bad but I figured it would take at least a solid 24-36 hrs. before I noticed any significant relief.
Monday night's sleep was not great and Tuesday morning it seemed like my pain was getting worse.  I took my AM dose of the med, and started to get a bit of relief. I had another docs appt. that afternoon, so I got myself ready and eventually headed out. About 4 hrs after my AM dose, and on my way to my appt. I started feeling really bad. I was sweaty, shaky, nauseated and most importantly the pain was getting really bad.  I felt bad enough overall, that mid-trip to my appt. I had to turn the car around, go home, & cancel my appt.

I felt something was definitely wrong with my new pain med and I put in a call to my pain docs office. I left a message for his nurse explaining my symptoms & about what was going on. I awaited a call back from the office for direction and in the meantime, took some nausea medication I had in the house and laid down to try and rest.
A bit later, the nurse from pain doc's office returned my call and related the following to me: "Pain doc says that the medication from your patch should not be out of your system yet and as a result you should not be having these problems. He wants you to give it a few days and if it is still problematic at that time, call the office back then"
As you might imagine, I was none too pleased to hear this information from the nurse, however I decided to trust what the pain doc had relayed to me.  I continued to feel really awful but kept hoping in the back of my mind that given some time, my symptoms would ease and that the new medication would kick in to help me feel better. 

This ended up NOT being the case -
I spent the next 48 hrs feeling worse than I had felt in almost 2 years.  Despite staying on the new med twice daily, I continued having horrendous withdrawal symptoms in addition to uncontrolled pain that had me essentially bed-ridden.
The new med allowed me about 3-4 hrs. of slight pain help followed by 6-8 hrs of absolutely nothing.

Pain doc had not prescribed or okay'd any breakthrough medication, and as such, I had little to no options to help offset how bad I was feeling.  The best I could come up with was taking tylenol every 4 hrs in addition to the prescription nausea medication I had available.

By that Wednesday night, my husband was so concerned about me that he did not want me being alone the next day.
My mom was called & she graciously offered to come up to stay with me for the day.
 (Gotta love MOMS!!!) 
The game plan was for Mom to come up in the morning (Thurs.) & for a call to be made to pain doc's office again that day as soon as they opened to explain the situation.
Mom arrived Thursday morning and pain doc's office was called (8:30am) -a message was left with his nurse again explaining the extreme difficulty I was having & begging them to call me back.
By this time, I was a complete mess, vacillating between unsuccessful attempts at calm re-direction through relaxation to out & out just plain suffering & hysterics. 

Thankfully, Mom was able to help get me through what I think was the worst 4-6 hrs. I have ever experienced - It was a very scary, dark & utterly hopeless place I pray to NEVER have to return to!
She was beyond helpful, incredible and supportive in ways I will never forget.
 At some point in the midst of the morning- she convinced me to take a dose of Prednisone that I had in the house in the hopes that maybe it would take the edge off.

Finally at 1:30pm that afternoon, the pain doc's nurse called back to say that pain doc had agreed to put me back on my original pain med patch at the same dosage I had been on when this all started. I was suffering so badly at this point that I readily agreed.
I was then directed by pain docs nurse to bring in the rest of the new pain pills to the office where they would count, document, & destroy them. At that time, they would be able to give me a new script for the original pain patches. I was told that I had to be there to do all this, meaning I had to get dressed and have my mother bring me into the office. I was so anxious for any relief whatsoever that mom helped me get dressed, into the car and off to the office we went (35 mins. one way)

When we arrived at pain doc's office, I fully expected that pain doc would want to see me to evaluate the situation. Instead, pain doc's nurse called mom & I back into one of the exam rooms where she and another co-worker counted, documented and disposed of my pills, and she then gave me the script for my pain patches. That was it - we were sent on our way back home -no doc visit.
(which at that moment, was fine because it allowed us to get on the road to the pharmacy in a slightly quicker manner than I had anticipated)

Thankfully my wonderful CVS pharmacy had my meds in stock and the staff knew exactly how to work with the insurance company to make sure that the script was covered without issue.
I was able to get my patches filled and the first one put on by about 2:45pm that day.
 (they take on average of about 4 hrs minimum to really begin working at their base level)
I think between having the Prednisone in my system and getting the patch back on board, finally helped bring my pain down to a nearly manageable place that evening.

Since this whole episode had left me utterly exhausted, second-guessing myself, and unsure of what to do, I decided to leave well enough alone with my pain mgmt. doc for the time being. Within a few days I was able to get my pain under  better control however I found that even so, I seemed to be back where I had started before this whole thing went down in the first place.
I was still experiencing the newer foot/ankle/toe problems and pain.

A week went by and I happened to finally have the podiatry appt. that I had scheduled on Rheumy's recommendation. I figured it would be an in and out appt. where they would take x-rays, look at my feet and say...."Yep-you have RA in your feet/ankles/toes...here is a RX for orthotics, etc"

Instead I watched as the podiatrist carefully checked out my x-rays, looked at my feet/ankles/toes on both feet & then hone in on a small spot on the top of my right foot below my big toe.
"She said I am going to press here -so let me know if this hurts you at all"
Not thinking much of this, I watched as she pressed down, at which point a shooting pain went through my foot and I almost came off the exam table.

Then I heard her say the following..."Well, it definitely looks as if you have a stress fracture of the 2nd metatarsal. (she went on to explain all about stress fractures) "You will need to try and keep off of it, elevate it...etc." "I will have the nurse wrap it and put on a walking shoe which you will need to wear for about a month until you see me again."
WTF????  A fracture in my right foot?
Yep a stress fracture which probably happened over the last month while I was trying to improve my overall state of health by slowly increasing my activity level. FIGURES!!!
The other thing, ironically enough, that I found out from the podiatrists was that I had a small break in the big toe of my left foot.

So in the end - there was/is a reason I was having the new increased pain along with the RA flare - I had some bone fractures, which I am sure you can understand are at times, very painful. 

 In all honesty, I do not believe today that I had developed tolerance to the pain patch I was on.
I believe I developed significant break-through pain that came as a result of the bad flare I was having + the fractures I had in my feet.

Here are a few things that became abundantly clear after going through this situation: 
 
I feel strongly that because of the controversy regarding prescription opioid abuse, honest chronic pain patients are being stigmatized and are definitely suffering a bit more each day.  
I feel that the good intentioned fight to help eliminate diversion and abuse, has caused a tightrope of laws for each and every pain management physician to try and navigate with the real fear of losing their license and therefore, livelihood. 
I feel that as a pain management patient, I have had my right to have my pain treated adequately, not only significantly impaired but at times, taken away.  I have also lost some of the privacy regarding my pain management plan of care as well. 
I feel my dignity is quite often compromised when I see a health care professional and identify as a chronic pain management patient.
 I also feel as a chronic pain patient, that I am more apt to be negatively challenged, questioned and disbelieved, when I present with new pain symptoms or an increase in my regular symptoms regardless of what testing  may show. 

Those are just a few of the handful of feelings I have regarding this issue and for the sake of this blog post, I will wrap this up here.
______________________________________________________________

In the end, I decided to share my whole story out because it is just one example of what I now know is unfortunately playing out daily in the chronic pain management community.

 I share in the hopes that maybe other people who are dealing with long term painful medical issues that require chronic pain management may not feel so alone in their experiences and also in the hopes that by putting this out there - maybe it will be one step in the right direction to helping to find better solutions to this problem. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

"Winter is coming....winter is coming!!" ( or "OUCH- everything hurts")

It's that time of year again:

The time of year when the body sends the brain the following URGENT email:
TO: C.E.O.- Brain Central (RockinThinkTank@gmail.com)
CC: Thoughts & Decisions Division Chief (pissORgetOFFthepot,@gmail.com),
Emotion regulation Division Chief (ProzacNation@gmail.com),
Conflict resolution Division Chief (TheAnswerIsMaybe@gmail.com )
FROM: C.E.O. - Body Central (HeadShouldersKnees&Toes@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Seasonal Function Dysregulation Issues & system crashes D/T Inclement Weather Patterns

It has come to our attention that The Body (in all divisions) has recently begun to experience many problems. These problems are ranging from sluggish performance, system freezes, overheating, & the occasional acquired minor program virus, to problems as severe as total body viruses causing complete Divisional shutdowns & irreparable destruction as a result. 


It has also been brought to our attention that this set of problems has been noted (after much study) to trouble The Body at this time of year, with the onset of significant inclement weather changes most notably being the dropping temperature.




 Due to the seasonal nature and continued frequency of this set of issues, The Body is kindly asking that The Brain to re-visit this problem and to consider a long term solution that would benefit everyone involved.

We believe it is possible for The Body and The Brain to work together to overcome this problem and to find an environment that will be mutually beneficial for the whole. (As an example, recent literature suggests that places such as Florida, offer this type of highly functional environment) 



It is our hope that with the cooperation of the whole - Overall performance and function will improve and be restored. 

Thank you for your time and cooperation in this matter. 

Sincerely,
The Body
 
CC: Mother Nature, Dr. Smiley, Hubby, Family & friends

P.S. - This whole post can be summed up by asking the following question:
"Why the Fuck do we live in N.E. Ohio again? FLORIDA...move to FLORIDA" 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

AIS and Doing my doody......

I'm back - finally...

First things first:
 For the sake of not continually repeating myself and driving everyone batshit crazy with the length of my ramblings, I will furthermore be using this abbreviation: 
  AIS- or autoimmune shit  
when making reference to any of my disease boogies
 ______________________________
 
The last week has quickly helped me realize that my old days of blogging daily, or even multiple times in a day are something of the past.  I guess in my mind when I picked back up in writing again, I thought that I would be able to take my inspiration-filled mind and go to town.
I figured that since I have not been working, I would certainly have the time and energy to write without giving it a thought. I mean after all its just writing...right?

And yet - here it is a week later and I finally got back here.
Hmmmmmmmmm.....

I then had to have the following inner conversation between my brain and body:
(This is a conversation I have had frequently over the last two years)
(and yes....my brain and body DO talk to one another)


BRAIN"Hey there Body - whats movin' and shakin'?"
BODY: "Not much lately Brain - whats floating around in your neck of the woods?"
BRAIN: "Oh - let me tell you: I am just full of great thoughts, musing, silliness & I am overflowing with ideas. I am so ready to start daily writing just like in the old days so that I can share some of this awesomeness!"
BODY: "Wow- Wish I had some of that kind of energy- but I have to tell you, this AIS is kickin my butt (figuratively speaking that is-LOL) This Bod isn't what it used to be."
"The swollen hands &fingers, the aching, stiff, immovable joints, the chills, fevers & infections,the overwhelming fatigue & constant chronic pain just to name a few."
BRAIN: "Oh shit - thats right- The RA, UCTD, etc.- THE AIS.  I always seem to forget about that stuff." "Although I guess if I really think about it, some of that forgetting has to do with the AIS"
BODY: "Yeah, now that you mention it, I remember that the AIS affects you too. All that fogginess, forgetfulness, anxiety & depression. That has to be pretty hard huh?"
BRAIN: "It is hard and try adding in keeping track of all those doctors, doc appts, medications, med/surg histories, etc. it can get crazy up in this place".
 "Even with all that, I guess I try and keep all of my idea awesomeness available and ready so that when we both find the energy, time and inspiration- its game on!" 
BODY: "Oh yeah now I remember - thats kind of what I do too."  "I try and plan to do the most physical activity when the AIS is being held at bay and the body parts are most rested, able & cooperative." "I guess it would be a day like today"
BRAIN: "Body, we are so dense." "Now I remember why we are having this conversation yet again......keeping realistic daily expectations, goal-setting, blah, blah blah..."
BODY: "Yep- its all coming back to me now too - balance, mindfulness, blah blah blah..." 
"Brain, Keep in mind one thing though(in mind-hehehe) - you ARE the one who is supposed to remember all this after all"
BRAIN:" Don't start with me Body...." 

And then they lived HAPPILY ever after....(ever after = for today)

So there you have it....and with no segue whatsoever, let me share my morning.

 My Lil adorable fur ball of cuteness A.K.A- Julius, wins the stinker shit head dumbass award this morning!

He found ( took out of the trash can) one of these plastic spider rings that I had thrown out.

When I saw him playing with it I quickly told him no & got up to take it from him....at which time he decided to take off running away with it. Before I could catch him or even get the chance to take it from him......
Yep- you guessed it...that lil shit swallowed it. The whole thing!
We get to "monitor" his ahem....daily habits for the next week or so. And by we, I mean me.

I am so looking forward to "poo doody".
(See what I did there...doody....lol)
Just another day in paradise.....

MOOD REPORT:

 


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Wednesday wishes of a sweet & happy new year- okay, let me explain.....

To all my Jewish friends, Family and acquaintances:
L'Shanah Tova (0r Happy New Year)
(To all my non-Jewish friends who would like to participate- feel free if the mood strikes!)

**************
 
Tonight happens to be the start of the
 Jewish New Year -Rosh Hashanah
 
One of the traditions that Jewish families around the world will participate in today and tomorrow will be the dipping of apple slices into honey
 
 This tradition is meant to ensure that those who participate in sharing the apples & honey on this holiday, will be blessed with a sweet, happy & healthy upcoming year.
Its something that is meant to be shared with those around you that are special and whom you love.
 
I really happen to love doing this each year because, for me, its a reminder of new possibilities, hope, & sweetness in the most simple of actions.
 
It is something that is perfect in its timing this year for me because as things stand in my life right now, (physically, emotional, & spiritually) I know I really needed a positive reminder that circumstances CAN change.
They can not only change from year to year but day to day and moment to moment.
 
In trying to keep the whole of myself, more in the" sweets moments"  -it has taken much practice.
  I have had to work on finding things that bring me to those places of purpose, hope and sweetness.
 
Today I shared one of those moments with my non-Jewish hubby on the phone-
Long story short, he used a Yiddish term (shpilkes) appropriately and perfectly while discussing a friend. It stopped me in my tracks as we talked and I burst out into some full-on belly laughter.
It reminded me that not a day goes by without my hubby making me laugh - and as such, I realized no matter how physically or emotionally sick I am, I will always have laughter in my life.
It was a really "sweet moment"
 
Yesterday I shared an afternoon full of "sweets moments" with mom-just having an "all-out girl day" .
We spent the afternoon together- had lunch, went shopping and I even had my
September (Grape Jamboree) Hair done


As my autoimmune issues have gotten worse over the last 2 years, even spending a day doing these kinds of things , has become increasingly harder and highly energy depleting.
Being able to take advantage of one of my better days in order to do this with Mom was so special.
It reminded me that I may just have to look a little harder to find those 
"sweets moments" and take advantage of them when they are here.

I would also like to thank RA GUY (love his blog - seriously go read his stuff)
for his simple yet wonderful post I saw on his Facebook feed.
 It reminded me that the power of music in and of itself, brings its own sweetness in the most unexpected times and most beautiful ways.

This is Rob Thomas singing the acoustic version of "Her Diamonds" which,
 he wrote for his wife, Marisol Maldonado Thomas.
She suffers from a rare Lupus-like autoimmune disease.
Definitely Sweet!


Monday, September 22, 2014

Monday is as good a place to start as any.....

Hi all:
 
I finally decided to relax a bit & put off tweaking the blog design for a bit 
(Oh how the OCD part of me is pissed)
in order give me some time to actually start posting to the darn thing.
 
Funny how one day I am chock full of great blog posts: things with great insight, purpose, and importance. The next day rolls around & my worn-out, A.D.D. mind kicks in, & life takes over.
 By the time I get back to writing blog posts - it seems all the good stuff has hidden itself away in the recesses of my mind.
Shit - I really hate how that happens.

HOWEVER:
 
I at least made myself come back here to just post - whatever/however it comes out.
I am here - that is something.
 
Its also something that I can actually type on my keyboard as the swelling in my hands is a lot better.

 I would like to send a shout out to the "Keeping JB's body moving" RA Sponsors :
My Silver Sponsor: PLAQUENIL & ARAVA pills - you may be quiet but you are always there.
To my Gold Sponsor- Dr. Smiley for a great appt. this month and increasing meds where needed.
Final special thanks goes out to  my PLATINUM sponsor - REMICADE.
Your monthly infusion has made it possible for me to get back to some of the things I enjoy most.

 
So in keeping with my last post -
 I decided to try & begin with some of those "INVISIBLE" things I mentioned.
Feeling like I needed to get some stuff out into the blogosphere.
 
Today I am going back to the thing that first brought me to the blogosphere almost 7 years ago:
 
I mean after all, its where I started my blogging journey.
The Fertility journey began with a start full of hope, excitement, love, joy, and faith.
The journey that in the beginning, was Visible- Visible in all things, comfortable to discuss.
Then suddenly -and I am not exactly sure when or where this happened - things changed.
 
My journey went from Fertility to Infertility in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

My journey detoured it way into days/years filled with anxiety, uncertainty, disappointments, struggles, loss & finally complicated grief. The journey became quieter and more private-embarrassing at times and finally found its way into that INVISIBLE place.
A place that already existed inside me; though I may not have realized it then.
A place that already had its fair share of things tucked away.

Any yet - here I sit in front of my keyboard,  nearly 4 years later, taking that all important leap of faith, and writing about it again.

I decided to write about THIS from its' INVISIBLE place now for a few important reasons.

1. It is where I started my blogging journey
2. It is something that despite the passing of time, is still a part of me daily
3. It is something that despite time past, creeps into my thoughts this time of year like clockwork
4. It is something that quietly brings all sorts of emotions bubbling to the surface
5. It is something that nearly everyone in my life -my family, my friends, my acquaintances, anyone around me tends to eventually forget, or not think about.
Something they (without ever realizing they are doing it) help keep INVISIBLE.
 
Here are some things I would like to shed some light on & put out there.
 I hope if you are reading, you will keep this in mind, decide to make it visible and pass it on :

Remember that:

(On the clinical side of things)

(On the personal side of things)

  • No matter the length of time past- (8 years for us)
  • No matter the medical recommendations against getting pregnant-
  • No matter the amount of counseling, therapy and support sought
  • No matter making the choice for my health, to undergo radiation to my ovaries in 2012
 For me - there will always be obvious times/days that are harder than others:
 
  •  Mothers Day or Fathers Day, pregnancy announcements & baby showers, major life events/celebrations such as graduations, birthdays or holidays
  • There are also the quieter, understated moments of sadness that happen now and then- Back to school time, First days of school, watching family & friends children grow and participate in all things.
And then there are the perhaps the most difficult and insidious times of all-
They happen at the most unexpected moments, & in ways I never seem to be able to anticipate-
 
Those are the moments that bubble up and overflow from that invisible place inside me and make their presence known- VISIBLE simply because they are ALWAYS there.
It seems at this moment, the childlessness is the thing that has come to the surface
 It is most certainly the heaviest on my heart.
So today, I give it light- I choose to make it Visible!
 
***********
I know this has been a long and somewhat scattered post.
 I really appreciate if you are still reading.
I hope to be back soon with a post of another color- something needs some light of it own.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

"Hiatus Halted" - taking off the cloak of invisibility

Hi Everyone - I'm Back

It was extremely hard to get myself to come back to this blog - just where I left off.
All of the memories and emotions - both good & bad. 

I toyed with the idea of designing a new blog but was met with such difficulties in trying to start from scratch on Blogger that I realized the Blogger Gods/Goddesses had spoken.

So back to this blog - back for good reason - It's simply time.

Its time for me to write again - write for ME. 
Writing because in my heart I know I have so much to say.
Writing because what I have to say is important, special, silly, crazy, beautiful, real. 
Writing because my words share where I have been, & where I am currently.

 Most importantly though, I write because it is a PART OF ME.
I think its the INVISIBLE part - the part that wants desperately to be brought to light.
All the feelings, thoughts, emotions, ideas & craziness that gets tucked away - hidden from the light.
Invisible for reasons that truly make no sense to me
.
Invisible because they are so often uncomfortable or embarrassing to talk about.
Invisible because that's more socially acceptable after all.
Invisible because as life moves on, its easier to tuck it all away & instead put a smile on your face
Invisible because it takes great courage and just the very right moment to bring it all to light. 





And so with every ounce of courage I have to muster, in this one moment, this very special second - INVISIBLE ME I am taking a deep breath & turning on the light!

I am digging out each uncomfortable, hard-to-talk-about, awkward, crazy, silly, idea, feeling and experience that has been tucked away
 and giving them each their own beautiful spotlight.

It will certainly take some time to write about INVISIBLE ME
 and most definitely my ongoing belief in this part of myself.......
It deserves this space, deserves this light, deserves to be seen.
 It Deserves & Needs to be VISIBLE-at all times!

VISIBLE
Not just when wearing support ribbons of any color 
Not just during local fundraising walks or during monthly awareness events
Not just when we lose someone close or someone we all knew
Not just when social media shares some of its space for a fleeting moment
 Not just when its convenient or easy

Visible when it is important - and the thing is,
Its ALWAYS important
ALWAYS

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do

Yes - he is cute and yes he is mine

________________



Our unusually long commercial break was
sponsored by the following.......

Lam.ictal - the mood-stabilizer that's not only
up & down but puts the "ache" in just about everything

Insomnia - Just when you thought it was
safe to slip under the covers for a few zzzzz's
Insomnia, your all night buddy shows up to party.

Aunt Flo - Helping the depressed chocolate and
carbohydrate industries get back on their feet as well
as ensuring every husband knows the right answer to
the monthly question...."Honey, do you think I am getting fat?"

______

It's been quite the week and it's only last night
that I was finally able to get a solid nights sleep.
Thank you sleepytime Gods.

I have been attempting to work my way through 
a boat load of crap lately.
I felt like paddling as fast I could but going no where fast
.
That's when I stopped to look - look at this body of mine
It became quite clear once I chose to look.

My shame-lined, low self-worth grimy,
near empty fuel tank.wasn't getting me very far.
 Not to mention that my warning lights 
signaling significant loss of emotional balance were 
rapidly blinking bright red.

...ummmm DUH!

Why is it that a part of me still feels as if my
"mental health" is secondary to my "physical health"?
Why, after all this time, education, and 
advocacy do I still feel surprised  and ashamed to admit that I 
had a depressive relapse? 

Yep....that's right....a depressive relapse.
See...there ...I said it!

The neurotransmitters in"this old brain" decided
to take a vacation without telling me or their best
buddies - the anti-depressant posse.

This episode, relapse or whatever
the heck it is, just happened to coincide with a 
number of really shitty life events.
*See previous posts for the insanity*
So basically, life in Boo land got really
hairy there for awhile.

I guess that's just the way it is sometimes.
You don't get to pick and choose the timing.
Life just happens.

So I have a little bit of my footing
back due to some much needed med changes, 
a lot of therapy and most importantly, 
an incredible support system. 
(you know who you are - THANK YOU)
Still have a tremendous amount of work to do
but trying to refuel a bit before I go there.

I know that I am a bit wobbly and fragile at the moment.
I also know that time has shown me that with the right tools, 
help and positive fuel,  I will be okay
I hope for that - I really do.

Will keep you posted 
Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support.

MY CRAYON COLOR:
RAW SIENNA