That's enough fruit for now - Thank you! - Lemons Pt. II

 

 

I TRIED THROWING THEM BACK

AND......

TRIED SQUEEZING THEM OUT

AND.......

WENT FOR THE OLD TRIED AND TRUE

AND........

 

GETTING DESPERATE, TRIED MAKING LEMON BARS

AND......

EVEN WENT FOR THE PSYCHOLOGY OF IT ALL

AND TRIED TALK THERAPY

 

_____________

BUT IN THE END I FIGURED OUT A FEW THINGS:

1. I don't throw lemons (or any objects) very well

2. Squeezing lemons with winter dry cracked hands really stings

3. Lemonade is much easier made with the mix

4. I don't know how to make lemon bars - but they look good

5. Lemons don't really talk - but they are great listeners

AND FINALLY....

6. Life has one really unhealthy obsession with citrus fruit

that just cannot be fixed or changed - it is what it is!

___________________

Time for sharing

Don't you hate it when:

you are up all night because of a thunderstorm,  

and your cats are walking all over

your face because they are nervous

and when you do finally get up in the morning,

you find a pile of cat vomit on the hallway floor,

which you promptly clean up.

Then you go strip all the bedding off your old mattress,

in preparation for the new mattress being delivered,

only to find that while you were quickly take your morning pills, 

that the cat went & vomited on the now old stripped mattress.

Which you promptly clean up again.

 

Then you see that the humidifier is extremely low

so you take off the top compartment to fill it up,

and when going to place it back on the base, spill half of the water

everywhere because you apparently did not tighten 

the opening valve well enough.

Which you promptly clean up.

And just to get this off my chest because

in all honesty, THIS is probably why I am

not handling this morning's stuff a bit better........

Could SOMEONE - ANYONE, please explain to me

why - oh why the furniture companies / dept. stores out there

think that the ONLY people in the entire freakin' universe

that might actually want a glider rocker chair / ottoman combo

are pregnant women or new moms?

I ask this because hubby and I have been building 

a small room upstairs for me, as, up until this point,

I did not have a place of my own- which I found I really needed.

In any case,  I wanted to make it a room where I could read,

crochet, write, talk in private, just be alone or relax.

As a result, I knew that I would be needing seating.

A recliner chair was too big/cumbersome for that space,

and all the other decorative chairs I saw just didn't seem right.

Then I thought of a rocking chair, which made me think how nice

having a matching ottoman would be with the rocker.

......so that is how I came to the glider/rocker ottoman idea.

Making a long story shorter....a few hours on the internet later

I came to the following conclusions:

If you are looking for a glider/rocker ottoman set that is

 not a piece of crap, looks decent, and yet

is still somewhat affordable

(which is code for cheap after paying for transmission)

 expect the following things:

A.Doing a google search for glider/rocker ottoman combo

or some combination thereof will most often direct you to

a massive number or baby/parenting/child sites - BEWARE

B. Most of the good affordable sets will be found in the 

"BABY" furniture section of the top leading dept. stores

C. Sometimes even if they are not in the "BABY" section

of the store, they come with great Manufacturer names

Such as  "StorkC.raft" ,  "Baby Rel.ax" or "StarB.right"

Hey.....Dept. stores & furniture companies....thanks for 

that unexpected infertile childless punch in the gut.

It's always the unexpected ones that hurt the most!

___________

Now I know that since last post's overtone was one of

turning the negatives around, and I just bitched

up a good little storm above - I will share this:

The spasticat is just fine - she just ingested a bit of the

  building materials from the room upstairs (dust, bits of paper, etc)

The old mattress is leaving today a bit more stained mind you -

and the new one arrives - woohoo!

Once new mattress arrives,  I will be able to take a nap

and catch up on the lost sleep from last night

The humidifier works still and all objects around it 

are fine despite being a bit damp.

and lastly..................

I was able to pick out a glider/rocker & ottoman set 

DESPITE the fact it had the word "BABY" on it.

_______

PROGRESS MAYBE?

Fragile definitely!

________

MOOD REPORT:

And you thought YOU had it bad.........

_____________

Okay - you can say it......no really....
It won't hurt my feelings..

This blog has been a REAL BUMMER lately.

Well in truth - I would describe it more like this.......

• WHINY
• PISSY
• ANGRY
• SELF-PITYING 
• DEPRESSING

 I think you get the point.

-------------

I realized something last night though:

I was sick of reading my own blog.

YEP - you read that correctly.

I am just tired of the negativity being typed

by these fingers and being put out in the universe.

Now I know that some of that negativity is a direct result

of the change in my"shrinky dink" meds.

HOWEVER:

I realized that although there is a

tremendous amount of crap going on & 

happening in my life currently.......

It's JUST NOT THAT BAD!

_____________

So here is my best attempt at turning some of that around.

Please bear with me - I am trying REALLY hard:

Turning 40 yrs. old = well shit....I actually made it!

Struggling with A.D.D & work = improved communication with boss

Monthly mother nature hormones = not in menopause yet....whew!

Suck Ass Cold and Snow = appreciation for escapes to warm destinations
Horrible king mattress = chance for us each to pick out our own twin mattress
Ceiling fan/light broken in bedroom = new updated fixtures coming up

Transmission goes on truck = thanks for 2 vehicles, parents & friends to help fix it

Mental Illness flair up = New & better communication with everyone
 Intense emotional state = chance to really "feel" and "be" right where I am

Med change/titration = opportunity to be diagnosed & treated correctly

Childless not by choice = freedom to pursue new avenues & life journey

Rough life review = chance to learn who I really am and want to be

******

I have a roof over my head, a good job, the best

husband I could ever ask for, an incredibly

loving family, awesome support system, money to get by, 

  a few phenomenal day to day friends AND

some new wonderful online bloggy friends.

 

Not bad.....Not too bad at all!!! 

 

 

P.S. Universe....please help me remember this - Thanks

MOOD REPORT:

I hate vacation pics: A.K.A - My brain has been a bad hostess lately....

This pic would be so scary if you were actually able to see 

everything that was going on in my brain

No ....really....it would be something to behold.

 I don't think even I would want to look inside to be honest.

Wait a minute...I couldn't do that anyway....that's just silly......

well maybe I could..... If I carefully detached my head......nahhh......

that would just not be practical...I'd probably 

lose it, break it or forget how to put it back on..........

________

So here is the lo-down

The VACATION:

What to say - what to say...Let's sum it up.

The good, the bad and the ugly

GOOD:

It was incredible to be away from the 

piss-poor sub-zero weather of NE Ohio

Thank you Florida Keys for the beautiful sunsets

I got to spend some quality time with

the parents and my Bear

They is ...."Good Peoples"!!!

I was able to do some great fishing and 

was even able to catch "that one frickin' shark" 

(the one that got away our first trip out)

Bear picked out & bought me a KICK-ASS

designer brand name purse for my birthday gift.

(rhymes with MOACH - boo-yah!!!)

as well as one totally cool flying monkey

that was demonstrated in-store.

NICE!!!

BAD

Crappy timing in several ways:

Mother nature arrived with what looked like a moving truck

Left work short-handed at a really really bad time

Shrinky Dink meds still in change up mode and overall

mood/anxiety on the rise.

UGLY

Upon said arrival at vacation spot -

Hit with massive wave of intense mixed emotions-

grief, sadness, and frustration over:.........

our childlessness, the friend who lost her pregnancy, 

turning 40 and consequent life review, the 

"unsure" shrinky dink diagnosis yet again, the new med combo &

titration that sucks lemons,  and oh yeah, did I happen to mention the 

hormones from hell?

 

This is all while trying avidly to get family, friends, and

loved ones to understand something new about the

person they see in front of them

this wife, daughter, sister, niece, friend, etc -

the one that they don't recognize because of all the emotions

It's not JUST the med change

It's not JUST the childlessness,

It's not JUST the friend's loss

It's not JUST the frickin' situational crap

It's not JUST the mid-life crisis bull-shit

It's not JUST the A.D.D. or this years shrinky dink's diagnosis

Though you may think it is, 

It's not JUST one thing - it's not JUST all the things

Here's the catch.....You won't know what IT is until:

 you do the brave thing, the uncomfortable thing, that thing you don't want to do.

Talk to me - ask me - tell me you don't know what to say

I've already heard all the stupid comments - trust me on that

It won't make it worse - It's already pretty shitty

I won't shatter into pieces - I'm pretty cracked already

.

Then I will know you are there....and that you do care.

MOOD REPORT:

A thank you and eloquent gesture of sorts......

This is 40th birthday monkey

Guess what 40th birthday monkey said today.......

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

wait for it

 -

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

wait for it

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

He said

despite everything and in the end

"I'm still here B*tches"

*Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes*

I survived ya'll - no really, I did!!!!

_____________

MOOD REPORT:

The sum of the parts: A.K.A. - Happy Fucked-up Fortieth Birthday to me!!!

I don't even have the words.....

 

+ 

 

+

=

Big pink manatee in my room: A.K.A.- Infertility vs. Mental Illness

Just some random thoughts about 

Infertility, and Mental Illness

******************

• Both are chronic physiological diseases
• Both may be treatable but are not curable
• Both may have positive or negative outcomes in treatment
• Both affect nearly everything in your daily life
• Both affect your daily decision making processes
• Both have huge negative social stigma's attached
• Both confuse, frighten and embarrass friends & family
• Both confuse, frighten and embarrass you
• Both are often suffered horribly in silence
• Both need so very much to be talked about
• Both continue to NOT be talked about much
• Both diseases are sorely misunderstood
• Both desperately need more education
• Both can strip a person of their identity 
• Both almost always strip away your dignity
• Both may drag you in to a point where you lose yourself
• Both can and will make you second guess yourself
• Both can and will make you second guess your loved ones
• Both have destroyed viable, loving relationships 
• Both can and have destroyed life-long dreams
• Both were suffered by people you once knew
• Both are being suffered by people you know right now 
• Both are being suffered daily by those you love most           
• Both may be suffered by you
• Both are suffered by me

_______________ 

Suffering from these diseases is NOT the most difficult experience of my life

The most difficult & current painful experience of my life is this:

choosing to continue to live, learn, love, and move forward

DESPITE

all of the above.

******

MOOD REPORT:

The "Manatee or Sea Cow"

(my gentle giant - you are so beautiful!)

Vacation memories: A.K.A.- A bad case of the crabs

Hidden sunset-Keys 2011

__________

For those of you who actually managed

to stomach reading my last post -

I say "Bravo" to you.

It was a bit on the "raw" side to say the least.

(inner voice says....."you think? while rolling her eyes)

I am however, not going to apologize for that mostly 

because, I really needed to get it out of my system 

In any case I did want to say this....

I am honestly doing my very best in finding some

enjoyment on this vacation.

It may not seem that way but I really am.

Honest.

I do appreciate the fact that I have the

opportunity to be in a warm & beautiful 

environment instead of the snow & cold.

I do appreciate having the opportunity

to spend some time with my parents

I do appreciate that I get to spend some

alone time with my husband.

It's just that even those things seem 

fairly lackluster in my current state of mind.

I hate that - I really do.

I want to have better control over my 

feelings right now. I just don't.

I want so much to be in a better place - 

a better mindset so that I could really take

it all in - truly enjoy the moment.  I just 

can't seem to get there.

______

The other day when we were out fishing,

my father remarked how much he loved

watching "his two girls" fishing (mom & I)

He start reminiscing about our family vacations

in The Outer Banks and about how much

fun we had all had.

I thought back fondly of those vacations

I remembered my parents spending many

patient and wonderful hours showing us how to fish.

Everything from cutting up frozen squid bait, to

actually baiting the hook.  Learning the perfect cast, and

getting the fish off the hook once we caught them.

I remembered them also showing us how to go crabbing.

From finding just the perfect spot, to tying twine around

a chicken neck to use as bait., Showing us

how slow you had to go when bringing the crabs

up and knowing exactly when to net them.

I remembered them taking us out on the

sand dunes so that we could watch the hang gliders and

learn to fly some of the new kites they bought us each year.

I remembered desperately hanging on to my father

  each time I went in the ocean. He called it "the crab hold"

because I was convinced I would be bitten by a crab if my 

feet touched the bottom. Every year he would reiterate that

it was safe this year to touch down. It was a long battle until I did.

Obviously my issues go way back!

______

I remembered all of these wonderful memories on

these vacations that we spent together.

Together as a family.

Then it hit me....it was the time we spent as a family.

The memories of my parents passing down all 

of these special activities and moments.

Passing them on to their children.

 

Here I am again -dead on faced with the fact that 

I will not be passing these same things on.

At least not to any children of our own.

That knowledge just breaks my heart.

It also hurts - just really really hurts. 

 

MOOD REPORT:

Better late than never: A.K.A. - a shark by any other name

Our Balcony sunset in the Florida Keys 2011

 *****

First off, I apologize for the lack of posting.

Bear and I are on a planned "vacation" at the moment
See above pic 

In the midst of all the insanity and shit going on in my life,  

I forgot to share that we were headed away to the Florida Keys.
As a result,  this may be a long post
________

Now before I start getting all these snarky comments - especially
from those of you stuck in the shit-hole-snow-vortex zones

about how...."lucky we are" and how it "must be nice to be you"

Let me just say this about the trip:

When said trip was planned, (quite awhile ago)
  we (meaning I) were most definitely in a better place.

Circumstances were certainly a bit more steady.

It was planned to be a brief break from the weather,

a time to visit with my parents, and hopefully a

  place where we could recharge our "inner batteries"
Sounds great in theory right?

ahhhh....but here comes the "proverbial catch"

I am sure you know that trying to plan, organize, pack,
make arrangements for, and yes even travel on a trip
is stressful enough when you are at your best.

It almost goes without saying that:

I am NOT........let me repeat.........NOT even remotely close

to my best right now, nor have I been for awhile.

Just for giggles let's review my mindset prior & up to this trip:

Dealing with a Buttload of situational work stress

Still in the midst of grieving the CNBC situation

Find out friend must suffer through a late term loss due to medical issue
Try to deal with guilt in not being able to help above friend
Start working through painful old shit in therapy (fill-in-the-blank issues)

Tapered off- number whatever-the-the-fuck-it-is now anti-depressant

(which by the way, sucks in ways I cannot begin to explain)

Start yet another med in hopes that shrinky dink's new diagnosis is correct
Plan, organize, pack, and make arrangements for vacation.

Head out on hellish snow covered roads to travel to our hotel
Narrowly miss getting hit by skidding out-of-control car along the way

Watch/hear skidding car get hit seconds later by another vehicle
Try and not completely freak out while still giving directions to hubby
Arrive at hotel for overnight stay prior to next day departure only to find that

good ole' mother nature stayed right on schedule AND...why hello there period.
Desperately try to juggle/sort out which emotional outbursts are related to
A. meds
B. situational anxiety
 C. Depression
D. hormones
E. All of the above

I hope the picture is clearer as to why I was and
am still fairly ambivalent about being here.

__________

Despite the weather being great, the wonderful people,

the activities being limitless, and the scenery being stunning.....

No apologies or qualifying

I STILL feel pretty fucking miserable.

It's just how I feel.

_________

Let me wrap up this sunshine filled post by sharing 

something that  illustrates my mindset as of late:

This afternoon,  we all went out to do some fishing. 

Pretty much your run-of-the-mill basic fishing trip.

We did some fairly good fishing - catching many blowfish, a few 

yellowtail, & a couple of snapper.

Mom seemed to be the fisherperson of the day with her

repeated catches of small sharks. Pretty cool.

Then right at the end of the afternoon,  I managed to hook

myself one heck of a shark.  It was a big one which

managed to take out my line as fast as I could try and reel it in.

I battled to bring in that shark for well over 15 minutes.

I would reel and make some gain, then he would take my line out again

I fought and fought with all the determination I had.

Everyone on the boat did what they could to help as well.

It really seemed that I might actually be able to 

get this shark in close enough to net him.

And for just a moment, I believed I would be able to get this one.

Then it happened - the line went loose.

I knew he had snapped it - he had gotten away.

In fishing this kind of thing happens all the time.

Somehow this situation just seemed the perfect metaphor for my life -

And in particular my journey with infertility and childlessness.

I honestly don't have the energy tonight to explain all the

psychological cross references I garnered from this experience 

Trust me when I say that they are there.

You will just have to figure it out yourself

I am quite confident you can do it.

P.S. - if you want to see vacation pics just click here:

The Keys 2011

 

 

************

MOOD REPORT: