Better late than never: A.K.A. - a shark by any other name

Our Balcony sunset in the Florida Keys 2011

 *****

First off, I apologize for the lack of posting.

Bear and I are on a planned "vacation" at the moment
See above pic 

In the midst of all the insanity and shit going on in my life,  

I forgot to share that we were headed away to the Florida Keys.
As a result,  this may be a long post
________

Now before I start getting all these snarky comments - especially
from those of you stuck in the shit-hole-snow-vortex zones

about how...."lucky we are" and how it "must be nice to be you"

Let me just say this about the trip:

When said trip was planned, (quite awhile ago)
  we (meaning I) were most definitely in a better place.

Circumstances were certainly a bit more steady.

It was planned to be a brief break from the weather,

a time to visit with my parents, and hopefully a

  place where we could recharge our "inner batteries"
Sounds great in theory right?

ahhhh....but here comes the "proverbial catch"

I am sure you know that trying to plan, organize, pack,
make arrangements for, and yes even travel on a trip
is stressful enough when you are at your best.

It almost goes without saying that:

I am NOT........let me repeat.........NOT even remotely close

to my best right now, nor have I been for awhile.

Just for giggles let's review my mindset prior & up to this trip:

Dealing with a Buttload of situational work stress

Still in the midst of grieving the CNBC situation

Find out friend must suffer through a late term loss due to medical issue
Try to deal with guilt in not being able to help above friend
Start working through painful old shit in therapy (fill-in-the-blank issues)

Tapered off- number whatever-the-the-fuck-it-is now anti-depressant

(which by the way, sucks in ways I cannot begin to explain)

Start yet another med in hopes that shrinky dink's new diagnosis is correct
Plan, organize, pack, and make arrangements for vacation.

Head out on hellish snow covered roads to travel to our hotel
Narrowly miss getting hit by skidding out-of-control car along the way

Watch/hear skidding car get hit seconds later by another vehicle
Try and not completely freak out while still giving directions to hubby
Arrive at hotel for overnight stay prior to next day departure only to find that

good ole' mother nature stayed right on schedule AND...why hello there period.
Desperately try to juggle/sort out which emotional outbursts are related to
A. meds
B. situational anxiety
 C. Depression
D. hormones
E. All of the above

I hope the picture is clearer as to why I was and
am still fairly ambivalent about being here.

__________

Despite the weather being great, the wonderful people,

the activities being limitless, and the scenery being stunning.....

No apologies or qualifying

I STILL feel pretty fucking miserable.

It's just how I feel.

_________

Let me wrap up this sunshine filled post by sharing 

something that  illustrates my mindset as of late:

This afternoon,  we all went out to do some fishing. 

Pretty much your run-of-the-mill basic fishing trip.

We did some fairly good fishing - catching many blowfish, a few 

yellowtail, & a couple of snapper.

Mom seemed to be the fisherperson of the day with her

repeated catches of small sharks. Pretty cool.

Then right at the end of the afternoon,  I managed to hook

myself one heck of a shark.  It was a big one which

managed to take out my line as fast as I could try and reel it in.

I battled to bring in that shark for well over 15 minutes.

I would reel and make some gain, then he would take my line out again

I fought and fought with all the determination I had.

Everyone on the boat did what they could to help as well.

It really seemed that I might actually be able to 

get this shark in close enough to net him.

And for just a moment, I believed I would be able to get this one.

Then it happened - the line went loose.

I knew he had snapped it - he had gotten away.

In fishing this kind of thing happens all the time.

Somehow this situation just seemed the perfect metaphor for my life -

And in particular my journey with infertility and childlessness.

I honestly don't have the energy tonight to explain all the

psychological cross references I garnered from this experience 

Trust me when I say that they are there.

You will just have to figure it out yourself

I am quite confident you can do it.

P.S. - if you want to see vacation pics just click here:

The Keys 2011

 

 

************

MOOD REPORT: