There will be no witty, positive or upbeat
writing today - don't have it in me.
Just completely and utterly done
at the moment.
Not to mention really and truly pissed!
It's probably more a combination of pissed,
angry, frustrated, disgusted and
basically.......
"Are you fucking kidding me Universe?"
I am so sick and tired of just ONE MORE THING
Finally have the transmission fixed on the truck
This is good
Our car's exhaust starts immediately having issues
This is bad
We have the truck back, so the car can get checked out
This is good
Hubby starts having issues with new tranny on way to work
This bad
Car's exhaust definitely has problem- dropped off at mechanic
This is bad
Hubby advised to bring truck back to mechanic as
replaced tranny is probably no good
This is really bad
Current work transportation issue is uncertain for both of us
This is really bad
_____________
I want a break!
I want to have day-to-day boring
I want to go more than a week or month without
something or someone falling apart.
I want things that get fixed to stay fixed and work.
And you know what?
(Big surprise here)
Underneath it all, I am full of emotional turmoil
that has little to do with cars.
-------------------------
I got the go ahead to start birth control to help
level out my hormones and ease the PMDD.
It would be an adjunct to the shrinky dink meds
and would hopefully make things work even better
It's something I talked to doc about quite awhile ago.
She actually gave me the samples which have been
sitting in the fridge for about 5 months now.
She said that whenever my meds were adjusted
and mostly importantly
-whenever I was ready
to just go ahead and start.
This is my month.
I know in my mind that there is absolutely no
downside to starting and most probably much benefit.
I know that it's a necessary step for my overall greater health
I know that nothing has changed in the "child" dept decision.
I also know it's another step in my coming to terms journey
living childless not by choice.
Oh......but theres that stupid gap...you know the one?
The gap that forms when your head is telling you one
very logical, reasonable thing and your heart
just doesn't feel it.
That gap is there - big time
So ...um yeah....this is hard & it hurts.
Rational or not - this just hurts.
And yes -
I am still pissed, angry,frustrated and disgusted too.
MOOD REPORT:
I totally understand what you are saying about the birth control pills. My periods are starting to get irregular, and I know that when I go for my annual exam, that they doctor will most likely suggest birth control pills to regulate things. I know that we have decided that childfree is the path for us, but actually taking steps to truly prevent pregnancy is huge.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling beat down. It isn't fair that something that can help you also is something that seems so... final.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many stages in coming to accept this journey. I know. And knowing something rationally doesn't means we're not going to hurt, or have emotions of regret or anger. Just don't turn the anger on yourself, will you, for the way you're feeling? Because you're allowed to be pissed, angry, and frustrated.
ReplyDelete