Monday is as good a place to start as any.....

Hi all:

 

I finally decided to relax a bit & put off tweaking the blog design for a bit 

(Oh how the OCD part of me is pissed)

in order give me some time to actually start posting to the darn thing.

 

Funny how one day I am chock full of great blog posts: things with great insight, purpose, and importance. The next day rolls around & my worn-out, A.D.D. mind kicks in, & life takes over.

 By the time I get back to writing blog posts - it seems all the good stuff has hidden itself away in the recesses of my mind.

Shit - I really hate how that happens.

HOWEVER:

 

I at least made myself come back here to just post - whatever/however it comes out.

I am here - that is something.

 

Its also something that I can actually type on my keyboard as the swelling in my hands is a lot better.

 I would like to send a shout out to the "Keeping JB's body moving" RA Sponsors :

My Silver Sponsor: PLAQUENIL & ARAVA pills - you may be quiet but you are always there.

To my Gold Sponsor- Dr. Smiley for a great appt. this month and increasing meds where needed.

Final special thanks goes out to  my PLATINUM sponsor - REMICADE.

Your monthly infusion has made it possible for me to get back to some of the things I enjoy most.

 

So in keeping with my last post -

 I decided to try & begin with some of those "INVISIBLE" things I mentioned.
Feeling like I needed to get some stuff out into the blogosphere.

 

Today I am going back to the thing that first brought me to the blogosphere almost 7 years ago:

The Fertility/Infertility issue.

 

I mean after all, its where I started my blogging journey.

The Fertility journey began with a start full of hope, excitement, love, joy, and faith.

The journey that in the beginning, was Visible- Visible in all things, comfortable to discuss.

Then suddenly -and I am not exactly sure when or where this happened - things changed.
 

My journey went from Fertility to Infertility in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

My journey detoured it way into days/years filled with anxiety, uncertainty, disappointments, struggles, loss & finally complicated grief. The journey became quieter and more private-embarrassing at times and finally found its way into that INVISIBLE place.

A place that already existed inside me; though I may not have realized it then.

A place that already had its fair share of things tucked away.

Any yet - here I sit in front of my keyboard,  nearly 4 years later, taking that all important leap of faith, and writing about it again.

I decided to write about THIS from its' INVISIBLE place now for a few important reasons.

1. It is where I started my blogging journey

2. It is something that despite the passing of time, is still a part of me daily

3. It is something that despite time past, creeps into my thoughts this time of year like clockwork

4. It is something that quietly brings all sorts of emotions bubbling to the surface

5. It is something that nearly everyone in my life -my family, my friends, my acquaintances, anyone around me tends to eventually forget, or not think about.

Something they (without ever realizing they are doing it) help keep INVISIBLE.

 

Here are some things I would like to shed some light on & put out there.

 I hope if you are reading, you will keep this in mind, decide to make it visible and pass it on :

Remember that:

(On the clinical side of things)

• Infertility - what it is and is not
• CDC FAST FACTS - A staggering number of people struggle with Infertility daily
• Things not say to someone living Childless not by choice (written by a great blog friend)

(On the personal side of things)

• No matter the length of time past- (8 years for us)
• No matter the medical recommendations against getting pregnant-
• No matter the amount of counseling, therapy and support sought
• No matter making the choice for my health, to undergo radiation to my ovaries in 2012

 For me - there will always be obvious times/days that are harder than others:

 

•  Mothers Day or Fathers Day, pregnancy announcements & baby showers, major life events/celebrations such as graduations, birthdays or holidays
• There are also the quieter, understated moments of sadness that happen now and then- Back to school time, First days of school, watching family & friends children grow and participate in all things.

And then there are the perhaps the most difficult and insidious times of all-

They happen at the most unexpected moments, & in ways I never seem to be able to anticipate-

 

Those are the moments that bubble up and overflow from that invisible place inside me and make their presence known- VISIBLE simply because they are ALWAYS there.

It seems at this moment, the childlessness is the thing that has come to the surface

 It is most certainly the heaviest on my heart.

So today, I give it light- I choose to make it Visible!

 

***********

I know this has been a long and somewhat scattered post.

 I really appreciate if you are still reading.

I hope to be back soon with a post of another color- something needs some light of it own.

 

 MOOD REPORT