Emotional.....and that's okay.

There will be no witty, positive or upbeat

 writing today - don't have it in me.

Just completely and utterly done

at the moment.

Not to mention really and truly pissed!

It's probably more a combination of pissed,

angry, frustrated, disgusted and 

basically.......

"Are you fucking kidding me Universe?"

I am so sick and tired of just ONE MORE THING

Finally have the transmission fixed on the truck

This is good

Our car's exhaust starts immediately having issues

This is bad

We have the truck back, so the car can get checked out

This is good

Hubby starts having issues with new tranny on way to work

This bad

Car's exhaust definitely has problem- dropped off at mechanic

This is bad

Hubby advised to bring truck back to mechanic as 

replaced tranny is probably no good

This is really bad

Current work transportation issue is uncertain for both of us

 This is really bad

_____________

I want a break!

I want to have day-to-day boring

I want to go more than a week or month without 

something or someone falling apart.

I want things that get fixed to stay fixed and work.

And you know what?

(Big surprise here)

Underneath it all, I am full of emotional turmoil

that has little to do with cars.

-------------------------

I got the go ahead to start birth control to help

level out my hormones and ease the PMDD.

It would be an adjunct to the shrinky dink meds

and would hopefully make things work even better

It's something I talked to doc about quite awhile ago.

She actually gave me the samples which have been

sitting in the fridge for about 5 months now.

She said that whenever my meds were adjusted

and mostly importantly 

-whenever I was ready 

to just go ahead and start.

This is my month.

I know in my mind that there is absolutely no

downside to starting and most probably much benefit.

I know that it's a necessary step for my overall greater health

I know that nothing has changed in the "child" dept decision.

I also know it's another step in my coming to terms journey

living childless not by choice.

Oh......but theres that stupid gap...you know the one?

The gap that forms when your head is telling you one

very logical, reasonable thing and your heart 

just doesn't feel it.

That gap is there - big time

So ...um yeah....this is hard & it hurts.

Rational or not - this just hurts.

And yes - 

I am still pissed, angry,frustrated and disgusted too.

MOOD REPORT:

My Crayola crayon 64 box or life lessons in art class

 

Long and involved story ahead

READ AT THE RISK OF FALLING ASLEEP!

______________

I was thinking about my school years the other day.

I remember how much excitement came with

getting my brand new school supplies each year.

There was, however something in those supplies that 

I always seemed to look forward to, just a bit more 

than all the others......

It was the

64 pack of Crayola crayons.

I know .....right?

 

It was OH so beautiful.....that crisp shiny box.

The bright display of crayons on the front, 

including any new colors for that year.

Oh...and the joy of turning the box around just

to make sure that the crayon sharpener

was really still there (and it always was)

I loved the feeling I got when I would finally 

break down and open my box.

These brand new untouched crayons would stand there before me.

All of this fantastical array of color just sitting there

Waiting for me. 

The potential that my box of crayons had

seemed absolutely limitless.

Oh the choices!

 All I had to do was pick one single crayon,

and start coloring.

I could color and create something usual.

I could color and create something unexpected.

I could color and create something beautiful.

I could even color and create something very ugly

I could create anything I wanted with that box of crayons.

It was really was so simple

And eventually I would open that new box of crayons.

I would use those crayons in earnest with all my creations.

Coloring what I felt to be masterpieces at the time.

Then something would happen - the year would move 

forward and my box would begin to slowly change.

Some of the crayons I would use & sharpen

so often, that there was little left.

Some of the crayons, I never took out of the box.

Some of the crayons, were in pieces barely

able to be taken out of the box at all.

Every year the breakdown  was different,

but I always ended up with the same thing......

A torn, haggard box that was barely holding together.

A box that when I opened it, always appeared so

worn and used up

It was always around that time, I remember thinking a few things:

 

I remember thinking my haggard old crayon box was still special

 I knew that it helped me create, what I am sure I believed to be

 incredible works of art.

I knew that each time I chose a crayon,  it was with

much intent and great expectation.

I knew that sometimes the crayons I did end up choosing,

just did not work out.

I knew I would always get a chance to start again, and star over

with next years box.

_____________

Although I am not sure these are analogies.(crap - just realized that)

I do believe there is much wisdom in those boxes.

That even though I am currently worn, haggard and feeling completely

used up,  that the journey getting here created 

some incredible things along the way.

That although I'm a bit broken and feeling in general disarray, 

I am still me after all.....(lots of good stuff inside)

 That as long as I am willing to do the work and want to,

I can always start over at any time and create a new path.

So I guess all I need now is a new box of crayons....

Whadda ya think?

MOOD REPORT: 

(crayon color)

That's enough fruit for now - Thank you! - Lemons Pt. II

 

 

I TRIED THROWING THEM BACK

AND......

TRIED SQUEEZING THEM OUT

AND.......

WENT FOR THE OLD TRIED AND TRUE

AND........

 

GETTING DESPERATE, TRIED MAKING LEMON BARS

AND......

EVEN WENT FOR THE PSYCHOLOGY OF IT ALL

AND TRIED TALK THERAPY

 

_____________

BUT IN THE END I FIGURED OUT A FEW THINGS:

1. I don't throw lemons (or any objects) very well

2. Squeezing lemons with winter dry cracked hands really stings

3. Lemonade is much easier made with the mix

4. I don't know how to make lemon bars - but they look good

5. Lemons don't really talk - but they are great listeners

AND FINALLY....

6. Life has one really unhealthy obsession with citrus fruit

that just cannot be fixed or changed - it is what it is!

___________________

Time for sharing

Don't you hate it when:

you are up all night because of a thunderstorm,  

and your cats are walking all over

your face because they are nervous

and when you do finally get up in the morning,

you find a pile of cat vomit on the hallway floor,

which you promptly clean up.

Then you go strip all the bedding off your old mattress,

in preparation for the new mattress being delivered,

only to find that while you were quickly take your morning pills, 

that the cat went & vomited on the now old stripped mattress.

Which you promptly clean up again.

 

Then you see that the humidifier is extremely low

so you take off the top compartment to fill it up,

and when going to place it back on the base, spill half of the water

everywhere because you apparently did not tighten 

the opening valve well enough.

Which you promptly clean up.

And just to get this off my chest because

in all honesty, THIS is probably why I am

not handling this morning's stuff a bit better........

Could SOMEONE - ANYONE, please explain to me

why - oh why the furniture companies / dept. stores out there

think that the ONLY people in the entire freakin' universe

that might actually want a glider rocker chair / ottoman combo

are pregnant women or new moms?

I ask this because hubby and I have been building 

a small room upstairs for me, as, up until this point,

I did not have a place of my own- which I found I really needed.

In any case,  I wanted to make it a room where I could read,

crochet, write, talk in private, just be alone or relax.

As a result, I knew that I would be needing seating.

A recliner chair was too big/cumbersome for that space,

and all the other decorative chairs I saw just didn't seem right.

Then I thought of a rocking chair, which made me think how nice

having a matching ottoman would be with the rocker.

......so that is how I came to the glider/rocker ottoman idea.

Making a long story shorter....a few hours on the internet later

I came to the following conclusions:

If you are looking for a glider/rocker ottoman set that is

 not a piece of crap, looks decent, and yet

is still somewhat affordable

(which is code for cheap after paying for transmission)

 expect the following things:

A.Doing a google search for glider/rocker ottoman combo

or some combination thereof will most often direct you to

a massive number or baby/parenting/child sites - BEWARE

B. Most of the good affordable sets will be found in the 

"BABY" furniture section of the top leading dept. stores

C. Sometimes even if they are not in the "BABY" section

of the store, they come with great Manufacturer names

Such as  "StorkC.raft" ,  "Baby Rel.ax" or "StarB.right"

Hey.....Dept. stores & furniture companies....thanks for 

that unexpected infertile childless punch in the gut.

It's always the unexpected ones that hurt the most!

___________

Now I know that since last post's overtone was one of

turning the negatives around, and I just bitched

up a good little storm above - I will share this:

The spasticat is just fine - she just ingested a bit of the

  building materials from the room upstairs (dust, bits of paper, etc)

The old mattress is leaving today a bit more stained mind you -

and the new one arrives - woohoo!

Once new mattress arrives,  I will be able to take a nap

and catch up on the lost sleep from last night

The humidifier works still and all objects around it 

are fine despite being a bit damp.

and lastly..................

I was able to pick out a glider/rocker & ottoman set 

DESPITE the fact it had the word "BABY" on it.

_______

PROGRESS MAYBE?

Fragile definitely!

________

MOOD REPORT:

And you thought YOU had it bad.........

_____________

Okay - you can say it......no really....
It won't hurt my feelings..

This blog has been a REAL BUMMER lately.

Well in truth - I would describe it more like this.......

• WHINY
• PISSY
• ANGRY
• SELF-PITYING 
• DEPRESSING

 I think you get the point.

-------------

I realized something last night though:

I was sick of reading my own blog.

YEP - you read that correctly.

I am just tired of the negativity being typed

by these fingers and being put out in the universe.

Now I know that some of that negativity is a direct result

of the change in my"shrinky dink" meds.

HOWEVER:

I realized that although there is a

tremendous amount of crap going on & 

happening in my life currently.......

It's JUST NOT THAT BAD!

_____________

So here is my best attempt at turning some of that around.

Please bear with me - I am trying REALLY hard:

Turning 40 yrs. old = well shit....I actually made it!

Struggling with A.D.D & work = improved communication with boss

Monthly mother nature hormones = not in menopause yet....whew!

Suck Ass Cold and Snow = appreciation for escapes to warm destinations
Horrible king mattress = chance for us each to pick out our own twin mattress
Ceiling fan/light broken in bedroom = new updated fixtures coming up

Transmission goes on truck = thanks for 2 vehicles, parents & friends to help fix it

Mental Illness flair up = New & better communication with everyone
 Intense emotional state = chance to really "feel" and "be" right where I am

Med change/titration = opportunity to be diagnosed & treated correctly

Childless not by choice = freedom to pursue new avenues & life journey

Rough life review = chance to learn who I really am and want to be

******

I have a roof over my head, a good job, the best

husband I could ever ask for, an incredibly

loving family, awesome support system, money to get by, 

  a few phenomenal day to day friends AND

some new wonderful online bloggy friends.

 

Not bad.....Not too bad at all!!! 

 

 

P.S. Universe....please help me remember this - Thanks

MOOD REPORT:

I hate vacation pics: A.K.A - My brain has been a bad hostess lately....

This pic would be so scary if you were actually able to see 

everything that was going on in my brain

No ....really....it would be something to behold.

 I don't think even I would want to look inside to be honest.

Wait a minute...I couldn't do that anyway....that's just silly......

well maybe I could..... If I carefully detached my head......nahhh......

that would just not be practical...I'd probably 

lose it, break it or forget how to put it back on..........

________

So here is the lo-down

The VACATION:

What to say - what to say...Let's sum it up.

The good, the bad and the ugly

GOOD:

It was incredible to be away from the 

piss-poor sub-zero weather of NE Ohio

Thank you Florida Keys for the beautiful sunsets

I got to spend some quality time with

the parents and my Bear

They is ...."Good Peoples"!!!

I was able to do some great fishing and 

was even able to catch "that one frickin' shark" 

(the one that got away our first trip out)

Bear picked out & bought me a KICK-ASS

designer brand name purse for my birthday gift.

(rhymes with MOACH - boo-yah!!!)

as well as one totally cool flying monkey

that was demonstrated in-store.

NICE!!!

BAD

Crappy timing in several ways:

Mother nature arrived with what looked like a moving truck

Left work short-handed at a really really bad time

Shrinky Dink meds still in change up mode and overall

mood/anxiety on the rise.

UGLY

Upon said arrival at vacation spot -

Hit with massive wave of intense mixed emotions-

grief, sadness, and frustration over:.........

our childlessness, the friend who lost her pregnancy, 

turning 40 and consequent life review, the 

"unsure" shrinky dink diagnosis yet again, the new med combo &

titration that sucks lemons,  and oh yeah, did I happen to mention the 

hormones from hell?

 

This is all while trying avidly to get family, friends, and

loved ones to understand something new about the

person they see in front of them

this wife, daughter, sister, niece, friend, etc -

the one that they don't recognize because of all the emotions

It's not JUST the med change

It's not JUST the childlessness,

It's not JUST the friend's loss

It's not JUST the frickin' situational crap

It's not JUST the mid-life crisis bull-shit

It's not JUST the A.D.D. or this years shrinky dink's diagnosis

Though you may think it is, 

It's not JUST one thing - it's not JUST all the things

Here's the catch.....You won't know what IT is until:

 you do the brave thing, the uncomfortable thing, that thing you don't want to do.

Talk to me - ask me - tell me you don't know what to say

I've already heard all the stupid comments - trust me on that

It won't make it worse - It's already pretty shitty

I won't shatter into pieces - I'm pretty cracked already

.

Then I will know you are there....and that you do care.

MOOD REPORT:

A thank you and eloquent gesture of sorts......

This is 40th birthday monkey

Guess what 40th birthday monkey said today.......

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

wait for it

 -

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

wait for it

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

He said

despite everything and in the end

"I'm still here B*tches"

*Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes*

I survived ya'll - no really, I did!!!!

_____________

MOOD REPORT:

The sum of the parts: A.K.A. - Happy Fucked-up Fortieth Birthday to me!!!

I don't even have the words.....

 

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