"Winter is coming....winter is coming!!" ( or "OUCH- everything hurts")

It's that time of year again:

The time of year when the body sends the brain the following URGENT email:

TO: C.E.O.- Brain Central (RockinThinkTank@gmail.com)

CC: Thoughts & Decisions Division Chief (pissORgetOFFthepot,@gmail.com),
Emotion regulation Division Chief (ProzacNation@gmail.com),
Conflict resolution Division Chief (TheAnswerIsMaybe@gmail.com )

FROM: C.E.O. - Body Central (HeadShouldersKnees&Toes@gmail.com

SUBJECT: Seasonal Function Dysregulation Issues & system crashes D/T Inclement Weather Patterns

It has come to our attention that The Body (in all divisions) has recently begun to experience many problems. These problems are ranging from sluggish performance, system freezes, overheating, & the occasional acquired minor program virus, to problems as severe as total body viruses causing complete Divisional shutdowns & irreparable destruction as a result. 

It has also been brought to our attention that this set of problems has been noted (after much study) to trouble The Body at this time of year, with the onset of significant inclement weather changes most notably being the dropping temperature.

 Due to the seasonal nature and continued frequency of this set of issues, The Body is kindly asking that The Brain to re-visit this problem and to consider a long term solution that would benefit everyone involved.

We believe it is possible for The Body and The Brain to work together to overcome this problem and to find an environment that will be mutually beneficial for the whole. (As an example, recent literature suggests that places such as Florida, offer this type of highly functional environment) 

It is our hope that with the cooperation of the whole - Overall performance and function will improve and be restored. 

Thank you for your time and cooperation in this matter. 

Sincerely,
The Body
 
CC: Mother Nature, Dr. Smiley, Hubby, Family & friends

P.S. - This whole post can be summed up by asking the following question:

"Why the Fuck do we live in N.E. Ohio again? FLORIDA...move to FLORIDA" 

AIS and Doing my doody......

I'm back - finally...

First things first:

 For the sake of not continually repeating myself and driving everyone batshit crazy with the length of my ramblings, I will furthermore be using this abbreviation: 

  AIS- or autoimmune shit  

when making reference to any of my disease boogies

 ______________________________

 

The last week has quickly helped me realize that my old days of blogging daily, or even multiple times in a day are something of the past.  I guess in my mind when I picked back up in writing again, I thought that I would be able to take my inspiration-filled mind and go to town.

I figured that since I have not been working, I would certainly have the time and energy to write without giving it a thought. I mean after all its just writing...right?

And yet - here it is a week later and I finally got back here.

Hmmmmmmmmm.....

I then had to have the following inner conversation between my brain and body:

(This is a conversation I have had frequently over the last two years)

(and yes....my brain and body DO talk to one another)

BRAIN:  "Hey there Body - whats movin' and shakin'?"

BODY: "Not much lately Brain - whats floating around in your neck of the woods?"

BRAIN: "Oh - let me tell you: I am just full of great thoughts, musing, silliness & I am overflowing with ideas. I am so ready to start daily writing just like in the old days so that I can share some of this awesomeness!"

BODY: "Wow- Wish I had some of that kind of energy- but I have to tell you, this AIS is kickin my butt (figuratively speaking that is-LOL) This Bod isn't what it used to be."

"The swollen hands &fingers, the aching, stiff, immovable joints, the chills, fevers & infections,the overwhelming fatigue & constant chronic pain just to name a few."

BRAIN: "Oh shit - thats right- The RA, UCTD, etc.- THE AIS.  I always seem to forget about that stuff." "Although I guess if I really think about it, some of that forgetting has to do with the AIS"

BODY: "Yeah, now that you mention it, I remember that the AIS affects you too. All that fogginess, forgetfulness, anxiety & depression. That has to be pretty hard huh?"

BRAIN: "It is hard and try adding in keeping track of all those doctors, doc appts, medications, med/surg histories, etc. it can get crazy up in this place".

 "Even with all that, I guess I try and keep all of my idea awesomeness available and ready so that when we both find the energy, time and inspiration- its game on!" 

BODY: "Oh yeah now I remember - thats kind of what I do too."  "I try and plan to do the most physical activity when the AIS is being held at bay and the body parts are most rested, able & cooperative." "I guess it would be a day like today"

BRAIN: "Body, we are so dense." "Now I remember why we are having this conversation yet again......keeping realistic daily expectations, goal-setting, blah, blah blah..."

BODY: "Yep- its all coming back to me now too - balance, mindfulness, blah blah blah..." 

"Brain, Keep in mind one thing though(in mind-hehehe) - you ARE the one who is supposed to remember all this after all"

BRAIN:" Don't start with me Body...." 

And then they lived HAPPILY ever after....(ever after = for today)

So there you have it....and with no segue whatsoever, let me share my morning.

 My Lil adorable fur ball of cuteness A.K.A- Julius, wins the stinker shit head dumbass award this morning!

He found ( took out of the trash can) one of these plastic spider rings that I had thrown out.

When I saw him playing with it I quickly told him no & got up to take it from him....at which time he decided to take off running away with it. Before I could catch him or even get the chance to take it from him......

Yep- you guessed it...that lil shit swallowed it. The whole thing!
We get to "monitor" his ahem....daily habits for the next week or so. And by we, I mean me.

I am so looking forward to "poo doody".
(See what I did there...doody....lol)
Just another day in paradise.....

MOOD REPORT:

 

Wednesday wishes of a sweet & happy new year- okay, let me explain.....

To all my Jewish friends, Family and acquaintances:

L'Shanah Tova (0r Happy New Year)

(To all my non-Jewish friends who would like to participate- feel free if the mood strikes!)

**************
 

Tonight happens to be the start of the

 Jewish New Year -Rosh Hashanah

 

One of the traditions that Jewish families around the world will participate in today and tomorrow will be the dipping of apple slices into honey

 

 This tradition is meant to ensure that those who participate in sharing the apples & honey on this holiday, will be blessed with a sweet, happy & healthy upcoming year.

Its something that is meant to be shared with those around you that are special and whom you love.

 

I really happen to love doing this each year because, for me, its a reminder of new possibilities, hope, & sweetness in the most simple of actions.

 

It is something that is perfect in its timing this year for me because as things stand in my life right now, (physically, emotional, & spiritually) I know I really needed a positive reminder that circumstances CAN change.

They can not only change from year to year but day to day and moment to moment.

 

In trying to keep the whole of myself, more in the" sweets moments"  -it has taken much practice.

  I have had to work on finding things that bring me to those places of purpose, hope and sweetness.
 

Today I shared one of those moments with my non-Jewish hubby on the phone-

Long story short, he used a Yiddish term (shpilkes) appropriately and perfectly while discussing a friend. It stopped me in my tracks as we talked and I burst out into some full-on belly laughter.

It reminded me that not a day goes by without my hubby making me laugh - and as such, I realized no matter how physically or emotionally sick I am, I will always have laughter in my life.

It was a really "sweet moment"
 

Yesterday I shared an afternoon full of "sweets moments" with mom-just having an "all-out girl day" .
We spent the afternoon together- had lunch, went shopping and I even had my

September (Grape Jamboree) Hair done

As my autoimmune issues have gotten worse over the last 2 years, even spending a day doing these kinds of things , has become increasingly harder and highly energy depleting.
Being able to take advantage of one of my better days in order to do this with Mom was so special.
It reminded me that I may just have to look a little harder to find those 
"sweets moments" and take advantage of them when they are here.

I would also like to thank RA GUY (love his blog - seriously go read his stuff)
for his simple yet wonderful post I saw on his Facebook feed.
 It reminded me that the power of music in and of itself, brings its own sweetness in the most unexpected times and most beautiful ways.

This is Rob Thomas singing the acoustic version of "Her Diamonds" which,
 he wrote for his wife, Marisol Maldonado Thomas.
She suffers from a rare Lupus-like autoimmune disease.
Definitely Sweet!

Monday is as good a place to start as any.....

Hi all:

 

I finally decided to relax a bit & put off tweaking the blog design for a bit 

(Oh how the OCD part of me is pissed)

in order give me some time to actually start posting to the darn thing.

 

Funny how one day I am chock full of great blog posts: things with great insight, purpose, and importance. The next day rolls around & my worn-out, A.D.D. mind kicks in, & life takes over.

 By the time I get back to writing blog posts - it seems all the good stuff has hidden itself away in the recesses of my mind.

Shit - I really hate how that happens.

HOWEVER:

 

I at least made myself come back here to just post - whatever/however it comes out.

I am here - that is something.

 

Its also something that I can actually type on my keyboard as the swelling in my hands is a lot better.

 I would like to send a shout out to the "Keeping JB's body moving" RA Sponsors :

My Silver Sponsor: PLAQUENIL & ARAVA pills - you may be quiet but you are always there.

To my Gold Sponsor- Dr. Smiley for a great appt. this month and increasing meds where needed.

Final special thanks goes out to  my PLATINUM sponsor - REMICADE.

Your monthly infusion has made it possible for me to get back to some of the things I enjoy most.

 

So in keeping with my last post -

 I decided to try & begin with some of those "INVISIBLE" things I mentioned.
Feeling like I needed to get some stuff out into the blogosphere.

 

Today I am going back to the thing that first brought me to the blogosphere almost 7 years ago:

The Fertility/Infertility issue.

 

I mean after all, its where I started my blogging journey.

The Fertility journey began with a start full of hope, excitement, love, joy, and faith.

The journey that in the beginning, was Visible- Visible in all things, comfortable to discuss.

Then suddenly -and I am not exactly sure when or where this happened - things changed.
 

My journey went from Fertility to Infertility in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

My journey detoured it way into days/years filled with anxiety, uncertainty, disappointments, struggles, loss & finally complicated grief. The journey became quieter and more private-embarrassing at times and finally found its way into that INVISIBLE place.

A place that already existed inside me; though I may not have realized it then.

A place that already had its fair share of things tucked away.

Any yet - here I sit in front of my keyboard,  nearly 4 years later, taking that all important leap of faith, and writing about it again.

I decided to write about THIS from its' INVISIBLE place now for a few important reasons.

1. It is where I started my blogging journey

2. It is something that despite the passing of time, is still a part of me daily

3. It is something that despite time past, creeps into my thoughts this time of year like clockwork

4. It is something that quietly brings all sorts of emotions bubbling to the surface

5. It is something that nearly everyone in my life -my family, my friends, my acquaintances, anyone around me tends to eventually forget, or not think about.

Something they (without ever realizing they are doing it) help keep INVISIBLE.

 

Here are some things I would like to shed some light on & put out there.

 I hope if you are reading, you will keep this in mind, decide to make it visible and pass it on :

Remember that:

(On the clinical side of things)

• Infertility - what it is and is not
• CDC FAST FACTS - A staggering number of people struggle with Infertility daily
• Things not say to someone living Childless not by choice (written by a great blog friend)

(On the personal side of things)

• No matter the length of time past- (8 years for us)
• No matter the medical recommendations against getting pregnant-
• No matter the amount of counseling, therapy and support sought
• No matter making the choice for my health, to undergo radiation to my ovaries in 2012

 For me - there will always be obvious times/days that are harder than others:

 

•  Mothers Day or Fathers Day, pregnancy announcements & baby showers, major life events/celebrations such as graduations, birthdays or holidays
• There are also the quieter, understated moments of sadness that happen now and then- Back to school time, First days of school, watching family & friends children grow and participate in all things.

And then there are the perhaps the most difficult and insidious times of all-

They happen at the most unexpected moments, & in ways I never seem to be able to anticipate-

 

Those are the moments that bubble up and overflow from that invisible place inside me and make their presence known- VISIBLE simply because they are ALWAYS there.

It seems at this moment, the childlessness is the thing that has come to the surface

 It is most certainly the heaviest on my heart.

So today, I give it light- I choose to make it Visible!

 

***********

I know this has been a long and somewhat scattered post.

 I really appreciate if you are still reading.

I hope to be back soon with a post of another color- something needs some light of it own.

"Hiatus Halted" - taking off the cloak of invisibility

Hi Everyone - I'm Back

It was extremely hard to get myself to come back to this blog - just where I left off.

All of the memories and emotions - both good & bad. 

I toyed with the idea of designing a new blog but was met with such difficulties in trying to start from scratch on Blogger that I realized the Blogger Gods/Goddesses had spoken.

So back to this blog - back for good reason - It's simply time.

Its time for me to write again - write for ME. 

Writing because in my heart I know I have so much to say.

Writing because what I have to say is important, special, silly, crazy, beautiful, real. 

Writing because my words share where I have been, & where I am currently.

 Most importantly though, I write because it is a PART OF ME.

I think its the INVISIBLE part - the part that wants desperately to be brought to light.

All the feelings, thoughts, emotions, ideas & craziness that gets tucked away - hidden from the light.

Invisible for reasons that truly make no sense to me

.

Invisible because they are so often uncomfortable or embarrassing to talk about.

Invisible because that's more socially acceptable after all.

Invisible because as life moves on, its easier to tuck it all away & instead put a smile on your face

Invisible because it takes great courage and just the very right moment to bring it all to light. 

---

And so with every ounce of courage I have to muster, in this one moment, this very special second - INVISIBLE ME - I am taking a deep breath & turning on the light!

I am digging out each uncomfortable, hard-to-talk-about, awkward, crazy, silly, idea, feeling and experience that has been tucked away

 and giving them each their own beautiful spotlight.

It will certainly take some time to write about INVISIBLE ME

 and most definitely my ongoing belief in this part of myself.......

It deserves this space, deserves this light, deserves to be seen.

 It Deserves & Needs to be VISIBLE-at all times!

VISIBLE

Not just when wearing support ribbons of any color 

Not just during local fundraising walks or during monthly awareness events

Not just when we lose someone close or someone we all knew

Not just when social media shares some of its space for a fleeting moment

 Not just when its convenient or easy

Visible when it is important - and the thing is,

Its ALWAYS important

ALWAYS

It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do

Yes - he is cute and yes he is mine

________________

Our unusually long commercial break was

sponsored by the following.......

Lam.ictal - the mood-stabilizer that's not only

up & down but puts the "ache" in just about everything

Insomnia - Just when you thought it was

safe to slip under the covers for a few zzzzz's

Insomnia, your all night buddy shows up to party.

Aunt Flo - Helping the depressed chocolate and

carbohydrate industries get back on their feet as well

as ensuring every husband knows the right answer to

the monthly question...."Honey, do you think I am getting fat?"

______

It's been quite the week and it's only last night

that I was finally able to get a solid nights sleep.

Thank you sleepytime Gods.

I have been attempting to work my way through 

a boat load of crap lately.

I felt like paddling as fast I could but going no where fast

.

That's when I stopped to look - look at this body of mine

It became quite clear once I chose to look.

My shame-lined, low self-worth grimy,

near empty fuel tank.wasn't getting me very far.

 Not to mention that my warning lights 

signaling significant loss of emotional balance were 

rapidly blinking bright red.

...ummmm DUH!

Why is it that a part of me still feels as if my

"mental health" is secondary to my "physical health"?

Why, after all this time, education, and 

advocacy do I still feel surprised  and ashamed to admit that I 

had a depressive relapse? 

Yep....that's right....a depressive relapse.

See...there ...I said it!

The neurotransmitters in"this old brain" decided

to take a vacation without telling me or their best

buddies - the anti-depressant posse.

This episode, relapse or whatever

the heck it is, just happened to coincide with a 

number of really shitty life events.

*See previous posts for the insanity*

So basically, life in Boo land got really

hairy there for awhile.

I guess that's just the way it is sometimes.

You don't get to pick and choose the timing.

Life just happens.

So I have a little bit of my footing

back due to some much needed med changes, 

a lot of therapy and most importantly, 

an incredible support system. 

(you know who you are - THANK YOU)

Still have a tremendous amount of work to do

but trying to refuel a bit before I go there.

I know that I am a bit wobbly and fragile at the moment.

I also know that time has shown me that with the right tools, 

help and positive fuel,  I will be okay

I hope for that - I really do.

Will keep you posted 

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support.

MY CRAYON COLOR:

RAW SIENNA

Emotional.....and that's okay.

There will be no witty, positive or upbeat

 writing today - don't have it in me.

Just completely and utterly done

at the moment.

Not to mention really and truly pissed!

It's probably more a combination of pissed,

angry, frustrated, disgusted and 

basically.......

"Are you fucking kidding me Universe?"

I am so sick and tired of just ONE MORE THING

Finally have the transmission fixed on the truck

This is good

Our car's exhaust starts immediately having issues

This is bad

We have the truck back, so the car can get checked out

This is good

Hubby starts having issues with new tranny on way to work

This bad

Car's exhaust definitely has problem- dropped off at mechanic

This is bad

Hubby advised to bring truck back to mechanic as 

replaced tranny is probably no good

This is really bad

Current work transportation issue is uncertain for both of us

 This is really bad

_____________

I want a break!

I want to have day-to-day boring

I want to go more than a week or month without 

something or someone falling apart.

I want things that get fixed to stay fixed and work.

And you know what?

(Big surprise here)

Underneath it all, I am full of emotional turmoil

that has little to do with cars.

-------------------------

I got the go ahead to start birth control to help

level out my hormones and ease the PMDD.

It would be an adjunct to the shrinky dink meds

and would hopefully make things work even better

It's something I talked to doc about quite awhile ago.

She actually gave me the samples which have been

sitting in the fridge for about 5 months now.

She said that whenever my meds were adjusted

and mostly importantly 

-whenever I was ready 

to just go ahead and start.

This is my month.

I know in my mind that there is absolutely no

downside to starting and most probably much benefit.

I know that it's a necessary step for my overall greater health

I know that nothing has changed in the "child" dept decision.

I also know it's another step in my coming to terms journey

living childless not by choice.

Oh......but theres that stupid gap...you know the one?

The gap that forms when your head is telling you one

very logical, reasonable thing and your heart 

just doesn't feel it.

That gap is there - big time

So ...um yeah....this is hard & it hurts.

Rational or not - this just hurts.

And yes - 

I am still pissed, angry,frustrated and disgusted too.

MOOD REPORT: